Teens and Money: Financial Literacy

Holidays are here, people are spending money.


What role model are you setting for your kids?


Approximately fifteen hundred high school seniors were recently asked basic facts about personal finance, and the great majority were stumped for answers. The results were not promising for our children’s future:

REALITY CHECK: 95% of teens surveyed scored below a C in financial literacy.

Wonder why? Another survey finds a key reason for teens’ low financial scores:

REALITY CHECK: 80% of all college freshman admit to never having a conversation with their parents about managing their money. What’s more, almost one in four of these same teens say it’s just fine to blow as much as $500 without checking in with their parents. 

The findings are hardly a proud parenting moment, but I also hope you are starting to get my drift.

The truth is too many kids are flunking financial literacy and one big reason may be that we’ve failed to teach our children a few essential “money smart lessons.”
If you’re concerned about your kids’ future spending habits, then start your money talk now and there’s no better time than these next few weeks. Newspapers will be filled with coupons and penny savers. Television ads for holidays “deals” will air non-stop. Teen magazines will feature those supposed holiday “in” gadgets and “must have” items. Those are also perfect opportunities to let your kids know that money doesn’t come easy. It’s also the time to review that  you do have clear expectations and limits about your family’s spending during the holidays. Here are a few ways to weave in those crucial money chats over the coming weeks with your kids.
Kids look to us as the example to copy so how are you doing in modeling money smarts to your children? Are your kids seeing you cut out those coupons? Waiting for the right price?
Displaying smart spending habits? Prioritizing your must-haves? Beware that your children learn spending and saving habits from you. How are you doing?

• Monitor TV Consumption:  Television is the one of the biggest culprits in fueling kids’ spending urges, and commercials are relentless in trying to get kids to buy, buy, buy. Research also shows that media impacts our children’s money attitudes and increases materialism. During the next few weeks those retailers will be pushing products and urging your kids to spend. So beware of those advertisements! Do take time to explain to your kids the real intention of those advertisers.
• Use Real-Life Examples:  Take your child shopping with you. I dare ya! But when–or if–you do, show him how you compare prices. Explain to her how you look for bargains. Use those outings as teaching moments that do instill good shopping habits.
• Teach Bargain Hunting:  If your kids are purchasing gifts for siblings (or even you!) get them involved inchecking out those penny saver ads. Have them clip out coupons. Tune your kids into the bargains at those dollar stores. Hit the outlet malls, and don’t overlook thrift stores and even garage sales. And tell them to watch for sales! Grandma will never know if her present was ten dollars less because Johnny waited to buy until sales day.
• Cut Impulsive Shopping:  Set a household rule that your child must write down any pricier intended purchase, and then postpone buying it for at least twenty-four hours. It’s a great way to teach kids to delay gratification and to “Think” before spending. A younger kid can draw it  on her “wish list.”The wait time could vary from an hour or day to a week or month depending on the  child’s age and maturity.  If your kid loses interest before the time is up, even she will agree that she didn’t really want that item after all.
• Teach “Wants vs. Needs”:  This is the “Gotta Have It NOW Generation” so a big step in helping today’s kids learn to be smart spenders is teaching the difference between “want it…” vs. “need it.” The trick is to get your kids to assess what they already have that is still in good shape and can be recycled, what’s missing and then what’s really needed is on the “need” list and holiday request list. Now your kids can create a holiday wish list based on real needs not wants to help prioritize spending.
• Do One Store Shopping to Boost Consumer Skills: Your kids planning to do their own holiday shopping? If so, this is a great way to help teach them consumer skills. Consider choosing just one store that has the best bargains to take the kids this year (like Wall Mart, Target, K-Mart) for their gift-buying. By announcing, “We’re shopping only at this store,” the kids are forced to look for the best bargains in one place and you won’t find yourself driving to multiple stores (and bringing back multiple items). This is also the time for them to bring their coupons and shopping lists. Make sure you also have them compare prices of items so they understand value.
• Consider After-Holidays Gift Buying:  Seriously! I know more families who realize the best deals are December 26. Those parents set a new rule: “You receive a few items under the tree but wait for that pricier item the day after the holidays.” The kids learn to appreciate the value of a good deal, the parents are grateful to save a ton of money, and the whole family enjoys that day after shopping outing for everyone’s “one special–and better-priced-gift.”

Special contributor:  Parenting Expert, Dr. Michele Borba


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Michele Borba is the author of over 25 parenting books including The Big Book of Parenting Solutions.

Tutoring: Prevent High School Drop-outs - Reasons Your Teen May Need a Tutor

As a new school year has arrived some parents are faced with the fact that their child needs extra help academically.  The sooner this is recognized and addressed, the less likely you will have a failing student.

There are many free and low-cost opportunities to find tutors for your child.  Ask a Librarian has become a major benefit to teens in helping them with reference materials.

Does your child need a tutor?  Here are ten reasons that may answer that question.

1. They work hard, but results are minimal - If your child puts forth the effort each night but isn’t seeing results, a well-trained tutor would be a good investment. A tutor will teach them how to study independently, which is a basic skill they’ll need to have mastered by the time they enter college. They also offer tutelage pertaining to note-taking, organizational and time management skills that will improve your child’s chances of success in every subject.
2. They’re easily discouraged -Does your child’s motivation wane as the subject becomes more difficult? A couple of bad grades can lead to several more, and before you know it, they’ve fallen into an academic hole of which they’re unable to find their way out. The personal attention provided by a tutor can steer them around it, giving them the confidence needed to conquer a challenge.
3. Lessons don’t match their learning style -Not every student learns in the same manner. Perhaps your child is a social learner who needs consistent interaction in order to fully grasp a subject. If their teacher is more of a lecturer, a tutor can provide the social learning experience your child desires. Additionally, lesson plans tend to be rigid and teachers generally prefer not to stray away from them. The use of alternative methods can provide your child with easier and more efficient ways to solve a math problem, balance an equation or write an essay.
4. Their teacher is subpar -Like any other profession, the teaching profession has its good and bad apples. During secondary school, students typically lack the study skills to learn a subject on their own, so they’re unable to compensate for wasted class time. A qualified tutor can teach your child everything they need to know and more, breaking their dependence on their subpar teacher.
5. They consistently struggle in one subject -Perhaps a subject like math just isn’t your child’s strong-suit and they’ve never performed well in those classes. By hiring tutor who specializes in that particular area, you can turn your child’s weakness into a strength. A good tutor should be able to tap into your child’s potential, or at the very least, ensure the subject is no longer a drag on their transcript.
6. Curves only cover the problem -Your child may have a decent grade, but it doesn’t mean they fully understand the subject matter. What they miss now could affect them in the future, causing them to fall behind their peers. For example, if they struggle with polynomials in Algebra, they’re destined to struggle in chemistry and physics.
7. They’re nervous about college -The ultra-competitive nature of high schools these days has caused many kids to fold under the pressure. Teenagers who can barely manage their current lives are expected to know exactly what they want to accomplish in the future. A tutor encourages them to focus on the task at hand, teaching the study skills, time management skills and mindset they need for success -now.
8. They experience test anxiety -There’s no denying the SAT and ACT are key components of the college application process. A good or bad score can affect your child’s ability to gain admission into the school of their dreams. Luckily, there is an abundance of experienced SAT and ACT tutors who can teach your child essential test-taking strategies that will enable them to maximize their score. These tutors possess the resources – like practice exams – that can be used to quell big test anxiety.
9. School isn’t challenging enough -Perhaps your child isn’t being sufficiently challenged by their studies and you don’t want their potential to go to waste. Or maybe they’ve taken an interest in a particular subject – like a foreign language – and you want to cultivate a passion. Either way, a tutor will utilize your child’s free time in a stimulating manner.
10. No other help is available -As previously mentioned, you may not be able to offer the help your child needs in order to realize their potential in a subject. After all, it has been years since you were in their shoes, and more likely than not, teaching isn’t your strength. A good tutor will be able to explain the tedious details of a subject in way that your child can understand.

Source: Christian Colleges Online

Read More.

Sue Scheff: Street Proofing your Teens Against Strangers

As part 2 continues in educating our children on how to talk to strangers, The Parent Report offers an excellent segment on Street Proofing your Kids. As mentioned in part one, we can tell our children not to talk to strangers, however it is almost inevitable they will. With this, they need to be educated in how to talk to unknown people, that seem completely innocent.

Telling your children to "never talk to strangers" is only one step in keeping our children safe from sexual predators and child abductors.

As children, how many times were we told to "never talk to strangers"? And how many times have we given our own children the same message? We've all heard the horror stories and because of them we're anxious to street proof our children. But Martha McArthur of the safety program, Block Parents, believes that a pat "never talk to strangers" isn't realistic. Instead, McArthur says "it's important to make your children aware how to interact with strangers. 'Never talk to strangers' just isn't practical because we do find children who get lost and are then afraid to ask for help from a stranger."

McArthur says we should teach our children "that there is a circle of safety, as in a safe distance when talking to strangers. For example if a stranger asks them for directions the child should take a step back, answer them and walk away. If they are afraid, they can turn in the opposite direction and walk quickly away."

As well, it's important to explain to our children that strangers look like normal people, not monsters. And the word stranger should be a little more defined in that a stranger is someone you don't know very well or know at all. In other words, a stranger could be someone you've never met, or an acquaintance of the family who knows you by name.

People who prey on children are very good at getting the interest of a child, so many experts suggest role playing with your child how someone might approach them such as offering candy, asking for help, or if they'd like to come and meet their new puppy. Then you have the opportunity to teach your child to say a firm "no" and to walk away.

If you do role play with your child, keep it matter of fact and calm so as not to overly frighten them, because part of street proofing children is not just pointing out dangers, but teaching them confidence. "That way they're more capable of making a good decision in a bad situation", explains retired staff sergeant, John Andrews. "You want to be able to tell your child about some of the hazards in the world. You want to arm them with the information of things that could happen. You don't want to scare your child. You want to ensure that they'll do the right things. "

Andrews adds that if the worst should happen and "someone is attempting to take your child and grabs them, the child should fall to the ground and start kicking and screaming, to bite if necessary, anything it takes. The child wants to make as much noise and create as much diversion as possible so that other people in the area will want to know what is going on."

Finally, McArthur says one of the best things we can instill in our children is trust in their own instincts. "Children have very good instinct. They should trust that feeling in their gut that tells them if something is safe or not. We describe it as that feeling in your tummy that gives you butterflies if something isn't right."



Be an educated parent, you will have safer children.

Did you miss part 1?Go Back. (Teaching your kids to talk to strangers).

Sue Scheff: High School “Slut List of 2010″: A Wake-Up Call For Another Troubling Youth Trends Sexual Harassment and Aggressive Girls

Michele Borba Blog: High School “Slut List of 2010″: A Wake-Up Call For Another Troubling Youth Trends Sexual Harassment and Aggressive

By Michele Borba

A high school “Slut List of 2010” is causing nationwide concern amongst educators and parents this week. The list featured almost two dozen names of 13 and 14 year old girls and three “honorable mentions,” who were incoming freshmen and was widely circulated amongst students at Millburn High School in New Jersey.

Among the sexually explicit details and highly derogatory comments (supplied by Millburn-ShortHillsPatch) are:

•“My friends practice giving head on me because I’m a man.”
•“ I’m so desperate and hairy that I’ll give you [drugs] for free if you get with me.”
•“I want it so bad I’ll beg you to stick it in.”
•“I (censored) like I blow the candles out on the menorah.”
•“Keeping up with the family tradition, [blank] me…. and knock me up.”
In addition to the “slut list” there are other allegations including freshmen being slammed into lockers and seniors blowing loud whistles into the targeted girls’ faces. The “prank” was made public after half a dozen parents complained (thank heavens) to school officials. School superintendent, Richard Brodow, e-mailed parents saying that hazing was not only against school policy “and just plain wrong.” (Interesting thing is that apparently this “slut list” is a high school tradition that “welcomes” incoming freshmen for the last 10 or 15 years. My, my, wouldn’t that make a kid feel like a welcome and safe?)

So what’s going on? It’s clear sexual harassment–intentional, mean, and aggressive behavior which can cause a victim (any girl on that list) severe anxiety and distress. But such an incident affects not only those victims, but an entire school body.

Such insidious incidents break down the foundation of a “safe and caring learning environment” and destroy the fiber that creates a moral community and can create for its victim and bystanders a hostile environment.

But there are also a few parenting wake-up calls here—lessons to be learned because such incidents are not just happening at this high school. So let’s add a few more concerning details so we recognize a few disturbing youth trends:

Wake Up Call #1: The infamous “slut-list” was generated by senior girls at a “sleep-over.” It was girls who also distributed the list and senior girls on the soccer team who blew the whistles into the freshmen’s faces and pushed them into the lockers. Parenting Lesson: Research finds that the “sugar and spice” gender is not only no longer always “nice” but also becoming more violent and aggressive. This is a growing and disturbing trend that is not just happening at this high school. Let’s raise our daughters to be assertive but respectfully so.

Wake Up Call #2. Many of the students at that high school reported to the press that the incident is getting far too much press and has been blown “way out of proportion.” The whole slut-list thing they said was just meant to be “fun.” Oh really? Fun? Slamming younger girls into lockers? Blowing whistles in their faces? Making them wear stickers on their backs that read: “Whore” or “Slut”? Fun?? Parenting Lesson: Watch out. Cruelty is learned and slowly becomes “acceptable” if it’s allowed to continued. Each cruel act becomes easier and what I see here is not only some of these students adopting the belief that “it’s cool to be cruel” but also losing touch with the feelings of those victims. There is nothing fun about peer intimidation or being slammed into a locker. How do you ever feel safe in such a school again?

Wake Up Call #3. Millburn High School is a top-ranked high school that was selected by Newsweek as one of the most prestigious high schools in the United States. It also happened at Essex County township, one of those Norman Rockwell kind of places to raise a family. Parenting Lesson: Moral intelligence that helps our kids become compassionate, respectful, know right from wrong and good citizens is a separate ability from mental aptitude. Make sure you are stressing both commodities. What good is a high SAT score or attending one of the top-ranked high schools in the nation if you graduate with only a strong mind void of a caring heart?

My definition of a safe and caring school is straight from CHEERS: “A place where everyone knows your name, and everyone’s glad you came.” I just can’t imagine any student–regardless of those high-ranking and multiple AP class option saying, “Yep, that’s my school.”

Let’s wise up folks and keep our eye on these trends. They are learned and can be turned around. This is not the way to raise the future citizens and should be a wake-up call to us all.

Michele Borba is the author of 23 parenting books including The Big Book of Parenting Solutions: 101 Answers to Your Everyday Challenges and Wildest Worries which includes dozens of practical, research-based ways to turn troubling trends such as insensitivity, bullying, and aggressiveness around.

Sue Scheff: Parenting for Divorced Parents

Source: Blended Families Advice

Guidelines for Divorced Parents

By Shirley Cress Dudley

1- Keep contact to a minimum

One phone call a day is excessive, several text messages a day is extremely excessive. If you have a subject related to the kids- speak briefly and clearly about your expectations. Emails are better than phone calls, if your issue is not an emergency.

2- Do not contact your ex-spouse unless you have a topic related to the children.

You no longer have a relationship with this person, except that he or she is the other parent of your children. Your only relationship is one of co-parenting. Asking for assistance with household repairs, meals, or even just talking about your day- is no longer acceptable.

3- Do not speak negatively about your ex-spouse in front of the children.

It doesn't make you look better in front of the kids, and it does not help with the co-parenting relationship you have with your ex. Children are confused by negative talk and should not be trapped in the middle of your marital issues.

4- Don't send messages to your ex-spouse through the kids

Your children have been through some major changes- mom and dad not living together, divorce, and now visitation back and forth between the houses. They do not need to be involved in adult discussions or arguments.

5- Don't question the kids about their activities when they return from a visit with the other parent.

Children are very suspicious of this and wonder what they are supposed to say. They wonder if it's O.K. to have fun at Dad's house. You want your children to have a positive relationship with their Daddy, and want them to feel that they don't have to "report back" all the activity going on in his house. It's O.K. to ask them if they had a good time over the weekend, and then smile and say, "great" after their brief response. Move on to another topic, immediately after the question, so that the kids know it's O.K. to have enjoyed the time, and that you're not being nosy about their Dad.

6-Work together with your ex to coordinate a visitation schedule for the kids.

Let your ex know if there are any changes to your schedule, as soon as possible. Emergencies will arise (for both parties) but planning ahead allows both parents to care for the kids as best as possible.

7-Don't sabotage family events at your ex's house.

You may be considering planning a huge meal to serve to your kids right before dropping them off for Thanksgiving dinner at your ex's house, or bringing them to their other parent's house, late, so that they miss an important event scheduled for them. You may think these tactics hurt your ex, but in reality, you are only hurting your own children. Step back, and remember to do what's best for your kids.

8-Don't speak negatively about your ex's new partner

This is the person who will help raise your children. This person is caring for your children when they are not with you.

9-Choose a new partner that loves your kids

Now that you're a parent, you can't just marry someone for your own needs, but also someone who will be a great parent to your kids. When you're ready to remarry, make sure this person is willing to devote time to get to know, love and help you care for your kids.

10-Focus on the Kids

Some of these rules sound pretty tough, but remember to focus on your kids. This isn't about trying to hurt your spouse or "get even" - your goal should be to do what's best for your children.

Check out Blended Family Advice ebook for more information on how to blend your step family.

Shirley Cress Dudley is a licensed professional counselor with a master's degree in Marriage and Family Counseling, and a master's degree in Education. She has a passion for helping blended families grow strong and be successful. Visit our website for more help with your blended family and step parent issues.

http://www.BlendedFamilyAdvice.com

Sue Scheff: Should Students and Teachers Be Online "Friends"?

What a great article from Education.com and I am sure many parents have asked this question at one time or another.

Source: Education.com

By Cheri Lucas

In the virtual world, the definition of a student-teacher relationship is hazy, particularly on social networks like Facebook and MySpace, where adults and teens share the same forums to connect and keep in touch with friends, classmates, relatives, and co-workers. Chances are, your teen has already found her teachers on Facebook and sent friend requests to join their networks.

But is it appropriate for your child to “friend” a teacher on a social network? Terrence Jegaraj, a senior at Interlochen Arts Academy in Michigan, primarily adds former teachers or instructors from summer programs in which he has participated. “I am friends on Facebook with a current teacher of mine, but there are teachers who tell us specifically not to add them until we graduate,” says Jegaraj.

Many of the teachers we asked, in fact, were reluctant to add students on Facebook. While a teacher can use some networking sites, such as Twitter, to extend a classroom discussion or offer quick homework assistance in 140 characters or less, networks like Facebook and MySpace easily blur the student-teacher relationship because of the personal information made available on profiles.

“I think that students and teachers have different personas in the classroom than outside of it, and the two should not necessarily be mixed,” says Heather Steed, a recent graduate of Florida State University in Tallahassee, Fla. As a student herself, Steed never added instructors on a social network until she completed their class.

“There needs to be a certain distance between teachers and students in order to maintain respect,” adds Rabbi Avi Schwartz, an educator at Magen David Yeshiva in Brooklyn, N.Y. “A teacher needs to be a role model, mentor, and advice giver – not a ‘friend.’” When a high school student gains access into a teacher’s network of friends and acquaintances and is able to view their family photos, for instance, the student-teacher dynamic is altered. “Friending students provides more information than you are willing to provide in an educational setting,” says Patrick Sweeney, an adjunct professor of history and government in Houston, Texas.

But student-teacher relationships can be transparent and visible to others online, which may have its pros and cons. Carlton Brown, a former community college instructor in Pittsburg, Pa, says interaction on a social network may be viewed and evaluated by classmates and others on the website, which, in turn, may deter inappropriate behavior. “Parents also have the opportunity to review and make judgments,” says Brown. If you have your own account on Facebook, you may opt to join your child’s teacher’s classroom group as a parent “chaperone,” for example, to supervise the discussion. (Based on current research, though, teens flock to Facebook because it’s mainly a parent-free space, so this type of supervision may not work for all families.)

Alternatives exist, however, for teachers and students who wish to enhance learning outside of the classroom via the Internet. Schwartz has helped many students with homework or studying via instant messaging, and even keeps in contact with parents this way. Other tools – such as online classrooms on sites such as Blackboard and forums within a school district’s website or teacher’s own webpage – make student-teacher interaction possible on the Web. Of course, don’t rule out more traditional methods to foster close student-teacher connections. “Appropriate relationships between teachers and students can be built by attending office hours or emailing for class-related advice,” says Steed.

While students may be eager to find and friend their teachers on Facebook, many of them understand the implied rules and boundaries of this virtual environment. “I do understand why my teachers do not want me to add them until I graduate,” says Jegaraj. “I think being friends with a teacher on Facebook while being their student may close the gap between the teacher-student relationship, and some teachers may not want this to happen while they are still teaching their students.”

Ultimately, sites like Facebook are social environments. Teachers guide students in a professional capacity, and being social doesn’t seem like part of the job description.

Cheri Lucas has her Master's of Fine Arts in Creative Nonfiction. She was a writing aid at Corte Madera Middle School for six years. She is currently working as a freelance writer in San Francisco.

Sue Scheff: The 9 Best Ways to Respond to Kids’ Mistakes So They’ll Be More Likely to Try Again and Again and Again

By Michele Borba

My child hates to make a mistake, and if he does he’s just devastated. I’ve probably not done the best job of responding. How should I help my son bounce back?

Dania M from Bolder Colorado

Of course we want our kids to succeed. And how we hate it when they fail. But the truth is life isn’t a bed of roses. Our kids will fail and suffer disappointments. An important parenting secret is helping our children learn how to bounce back from defeat and disappointments, and how we respond when they do does make a difference in how they learn to cope. Unfortunately all too many kids cut short their opportunities for success because they give up at the first sign of difficulty. If they see errors as indications that they are failures, eventually they are likely to stop trying. So one of the most common questions parents ask is: “What’s the best way to respond when my child makes a mistake?”

Here are nine, noncritical ways to respond to your child’s error from my upcoming book, The Big Book of Parenting Solutions. (The most important parenting solution is the one listed ninth.)

1. Offer support only when needed – “I’m here for you if you need help” — but avoid the temptation to do the task for your child. Your child needs to build confidence that he can figure out the problem for himself.

2. Help your child see that mistakes are chances to learn. Ask, “What did you learn so that you won’t make the same mistake again?”

3. Stay nonjudgmental and help your child focus on what she’s trying to achieve. Don’t criticize, but do calmly ask, “How did you want this to turn out?”

4. Help your child recognize that you believe he can succeed in his efforts. Say, “I know you can do it. Hang in there.”

5. Fight the temptation to say, “I knew that would happen” or “I told you so.” Instead try saying, “That’s interesting” or “That wasn’t what you had in mind, was it?”

6. Let your child watch you do the task again and again. Some children need to learn “by seeing” how to do the task correctly instead of hearing you tell them how to do it right.

7. Don’t yell, shame, criticize, judge, blame, or ridicule. Nobody (especially children!) likes to make mistakes, and everybody hates to be reminded of making them.

8. Teach your child an affirmation to bounce back. Select one phrase such as–“It doesn’t have to be perfect.” or “It’s OK to make a mistake.” or “Everybody makes mistakes.”–and then help your child practice saying it out loud several times for a few days. The more often she sees and hears it, the greater the chance she will remember to use it to encourage her to bounce back when she errors.

9. Stay calm, stay calm, stay calm! I know that sounds easier than it is, but the truth is our kids are watching our responses. How we act when our kids fail is often more important than what we say. So take a deep breath, Mom. See that failure as a learning opportunity.

Sue Scheff: Tips for Parents - Teens Staying Home Alone

By Denise Witmer


When your preteen is too old for daycare, what do you do? As it happens often when parenting a teen, it’s tough decision time. You’ll either need to find someone to watch him/her, like a school mate’s parents, a relative or a neighbor or start allowing him/her to stay at home alone. Here are five tips if you choose to let him/her stay at home:



Establish a routine and write it down. Set a time to get up, a time to have breakfast, a chore to be completed, etc. Perhaps some reading before television or letter writing to pen pals or grandparents can be added. Brainstorm a list of things to do together and then make it a part of the routine. A healthy routine will become a habit. It promotes a good attitude and keeps your teen active. It is all to easy to fall into a unhealthy routine of sleeping half the day and then doing nothing but playing video games when a teen is home alone in the summer or spending all of their time on the phone with friends after school. By coming to a consensus, writing down the routine and checking up on your teen, he/she will follow it and be a much nicer person to come home to.





Make your expectations and the rules clear. Set up some rewards/consequences for following/not following the rules. Be sure to be fair and firm with the rules and let your teen have a say.



Role play situations with your teen. Examples: a stranger comes to the door, answering the phone or if your teen falls and hurts himself. Do each situation the right way and the wrong way. Have your teen tell you why the wrong way was wrong. This will help you both to communicate clearly about what is expect in each situation.



Inform your workplace that your child will be 'calling in'. While personal calls may be frowned upon, your parenting responsibilities need to take priority. You and your teen will feel more comfortable if you establish a call time. Most employers will be understanding of this.





Have a back up plan available if things should go awry. If your teen gets sick or is able to handle a whole day alone, perhaps having him go to an afternoon camp or to a friends. You could also have a relative or neighbor check on him/her. You will worry less if you have an alternate plan in the wings.



Teens Home Alone FAQ:





At what age is it okay to leave my teen home alone after school?
At what age is it okay to leave my teen home alone overnight?
My teen is going to be home alone this summer. What can I do?
We are going away and do not want to leave our teen home alone. What should we do?
We've heard our teen is planning a party in our home while we are going to be away. What should we do?
Our teen had a party while we were away and there was underage drinking. What should we do?





Learn more: http://parentingteens.about.com/od/familylife/a/teenshomealone.htm

Sue Scheff: The Ballad of an Adopted Child

This article was written by a parent who adopted a child and although had some struggles, she knew there is a reason for every bump and every stumble, it is a learning experience. Whenever I re-print this article, the response is overwhelming. If you have an adopted child, or know someone that has, take a moment to read this insight - it is quite impressive, and most importantly, parents have that - "WOW" - moment - "someone understands what I am going through!"

By Jeanne Drouillard

DOES your teen,

•always seem angry?
•have anger that turns into rage?
•show signs of depression, i.e., withdrawal, slipping grades?
•show disrespect to you or disrespect people in authority?
•self-protect by keeping people at a distance?
•lie, manipulate and steal?
•ever talk about his/her biological parents?
•want to find his/her biological parents?


DO you,

•feel comfortable about your teen's behavior?
•recognize signs of RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder)?
•believe you must be adopted to show signs of RAD?
•understand what is meant by the Primal Wound?
•think it makes a difference at what age a child is adopted?
•understand bonding and how it can be disrupted?
•understand the fear and pain of an adoptee?
•understand adoptee' difficulty in trusting and showing love

It can be difficult to know if your adopted teen's anger is normal and within the range of typical teenage behavior. Most teenagers get angry, especially during the years when their bodies are changing and the hormones can bring quick and severe mood swings. All teenagers are searching the world trying to find out who they are and what they want to become. They all want to know how the world will affect them and how they will affect the world.

If not addressed as a child, an adopted teenager has a duality of conflicts to overcome. Whether adopted as a baby or as an older child, this teenager has had a separation from the birth mother and this is a strong link that is not forgotten. Nancy Verrier calls this the Primal Wound. In the womb, Psychologists now agree that the child is very aware of the mother, how she smells, how she laughs and feels, even how she sounds. The baby has been inside the womb for nine months. This baby even realizes if it was a wanted pregnancy or an unwanted pregnancy - this baby knows. It also has an awareness of the physical, mental and emotional connection with the mother. Bonding begins before physical birth and possibly shortly after conception. Many professionals used to laugh at this idea and thought it impossible for a little baby to know and remember being separated from its birth mother. Alas, the tide has changed and the professionals now believe that this child couldn't help but know the separation from the birth mom that carried it - and this is the primal wound that stays with that child forever.

There is a story that Nancy Verrier tells in her book, "The Primal Wound" about a little girl who was adopted as a baby. She had never been told she was adopted. One night this four-year old child had a nightmare and called for her mommy. Her adopted mother went in to comfort her and held her and told her everything would be okay because "Mommy was here." The little girl said, "No, I want my other mommy." This story is not unique and other similar stories have surfaced. How did this child know?

Many adopted children develop RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder). This occurs when a child, teen or adult cannot attach and trust, as they should and experience trouble developing close intimate relationships. When the child is taken away from its birth mother, even if it is put in the home of a family giving the child love, this child is confused and knows this is not the same mother it had and its trusting abilities are lessened. If the child is put into a hospital, or foster care and then moved again and again, its trusting mechanisms do not know what it means to have a consistent caregiver to take care of its constant needs, i.e. hunger, pain, etc. This makes a child angry and scared and then the cycle has already begun.

After the child is adopted, hopefully in a loving home, a decision is made by the child as to what role to play within the family. Some have so many layers of anger and rage that negative behavior is exhibited constantly. Others may decide to be a complacent and pleasing personality because they want to make sure that these new parents are not disappointed or else abandonment will follow. Another choice is not to get close to anyone because this relationship probably won't last and getting close will be painful when it ends. Several adult adoptee's I've spoken to have confirmed this behavior. The more neglect, abuse and abandonment a child suffers, the more deep-seated will be this distrust for adults or anyone in authority.

It is common for adoption issues to remain hidden until adolescence. Sometimes a child seems well adjusted and happy during the early years and then everything comes out during the teen years. It is also very common for the child to stay in denial and hide deep feelings from everyone, even themselves, and in their teen years - which is an identity search time - these feelings rise to the surface. Usually, the child knows inside that something is not right but the complexity of their feelings give them fear and they hesitate talking about these fears since they believe they can trust no one.

You DO NOT have to be adopted to have RAD. Any child who suffered a separation from their original caregiver for a period of time could have symptoms. Separation from the mother due to illness or divorce can trigger separation anxiety, and divorce can also trigger guilt if the child feels part of the cause of the divorce.

Causes of RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder) and Symptoms of Attachment Disorder
Let's look a little deeper into RAD and see what some of the causes and symptoms are. I like Dr. Marcy Axness' approach when she says she is campaigning to change the name from Attachment Disorder to something like "Attachment Deprivation" because it is a failure in the RELATIONSHIP, not the child.


Causes of RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder)

•unwanted pregnancy
•neglect
•inconsistent or inadequate day care
•dramatic prenatal experience (exposure to drugs/alcohol)
•sudden separation from the primary caretaker (illness, death, hospitalization)
•abuse (physical, emotional, mental, sexual)
•adoption
•frequent moves (foster care, failed adoptions)


Symptoms of Attachment Disorder:


•superficially engaging and charming
•indiscriminately affectionate with strangers
•does not trust caregivers or adults in authority
•does not develop morals; no empathy, remorse or compassion
•resists all efforts to nurture or guide them
•acts out negatives, provoking anger in others
•lies, steals, cheats and manipulates
•destructive, cruel, argumentative and hostile
•extreme control problems
•cruel to animals, siblings
•poor peer relationships and lacks a conscience
•tries to separate adults - gets them into fights - divides them
•engages in hoarding or gorging on food
•has a preoccupation with fire, blood and gore
Children with some of these symptoms could be at risk. If they have half or more of these symptoms, they usually are RAD to some degree and would need therapy from a qualified attachment therapist. Don't waste your time and money with other therapy because it doesn't work. Don't take your attachment child to an ordinary therapist. Usually this therapist will take time to try to win the trust of your child and then will talk to them about their problems. Attachment children DO NOT trust. That is the main problem. Also, they do not learn from discussions and talking. Attachment children learn from feeling, doing and experiencing. They need attachment therapy.

Sometime during our lives, we all cross paths with attachment disordered individuals. In business, they are the ones having trouble getting along with others, or they have a desk in the back of the room and don't mingle with others. Others can sometimes charm us or con us. They might even shock us with unbelievable cruelty. Very often these individuals grow up untreated and have no concern for other people. RAD children have learned early on that the world is unsafe and have developed unhealthy protective shells
so the outside world cannot pierce it and then they feel safe. They become their own protectors and as such can turn everyone against them. Without help, they grow into dysfunctional adults.

RAD people are very controlling. They need to control in order to feel safe. Usually when they were very little children and could not control their environment, bad things happened to them. My daughter Elena is serious attachment disorder. One of her teachers used to tell me that he would watch Elena's eye movements and body language when she walked into his classroom. She would pause for a moment or two and look around the room very carefully and very deliberately. From that moment on Elena always knew exactly what was going on in any corner of the room at any moment. That is the only way she felt safe.

Usually attachment individuals have moved around from one institution to another or one foster home to another or even from relative to relative. They cannot trust that the same person will be there on any given day to gratify their needs. They learn not to trust or love and are unable to attach to anyone, causing them to be very resistant later to attachment if they are adopted. Trusting is very difficult for RAD children. Trusting means to love - and loving hurts. They have been hurt too deeply.

Parents adopting children who have experienced abuse, neglect or have been institutionalized have a long road ahead of them. When these children grow up and start exhibiting anger and then total rage, it can be quite fearful to the unsuspecting parents. These children have many layers of anger and rage, but it is based on fear that they will be abandoned again because they can't trust and believe deep down that they are not good enough for someone to love them. Their birth mom gave them away. It is amazing to hear some of these children tell you that they hoped their Moms could see them now as adults because then she would know that they didn't turn out to be such a bad kid. I've heard grown ups talk this way. This little child inside never leaves. Some of these same teens and adults still want to find their birth parents to answer questions of why they were given away. They just want to know.

My daughter Elena had been put in a program that promised me they knew all about attachment disorder but they grossly misrepresented themselves. I wasted seven months of her precious life before I had her moved into an appropriate program. This new program really acknowledges attachment disorder and in our four months I have seen a real improvement. Elena's improvement only occurred after the harm of the first program had been resolved.

I used to talk to my daughter and tell her how much I loved her and that I was going to be her "Forever Mom" and we were going to have a wonderful life and so on. Elena usually listened politely and I was so naive I just didn't know how much I was missing the mark. Talk doesn't work with Elena because she doesn't trust and doesn't believe she deserve love. What I learned to do was sneak up on her and tell her something like, "Elena, I love you so much and I'm so glad you're here with me" and then I was gone. Another time I might say, "Isn't it great, I've got you and you've got me?" And then I was gone. Just little tiny doses of love were all she could handle.

Working with an attachment child is very tough and there is not much gratification for a long time. Just when you think there is progress, the rage comes back. Yet, that doesn't' mean there isn't any progress. Progress inches in and keeps coming as long as we give these children lots of laughter, love and empathy. Don't let them drag you into an argument. They want your anger because they handle it better than love. I believe they have so much anger, turmoil and pain inside that they relate better to it. For example, Elena came home after getting a C- on a test. She didn't study and I knew it. She was almost proud when she showed me her report card and she really wanted me to get mad, why? She deals better with my anger and then it takes the responsibility for a bad grad off of her. But I didn't respond with anger. Instead when she showed me her well-earned C- I simply said, "I'm so sad for you. It must be very embarrassing getting a grade like that." Then I turned around and went back to my own life, leaving her to handle her life. Don't give them anger. That is what they want BUT give them what they really need which is laughter, love and empathy.

Remember there is always hope. Author Nancy Thomas when asked if older children could still be helped she enthusiastically answered, "Oh Yes, as long as they are still breathing - that is the only requirement." All these children need is the correct therapy - attachment therapy -- and parents who are willing to learn along with them.

**************

Visit http://www.helpyourteens.com.

Sue Scheff: Tips for Dealing with Friendship Challenges

Recently I was introduced to Annie Fox (via digital of course) and was so impressed at her knowledge, educational resources, books and Blogs for parents today.


Here is one of her articles on Tips for Dealing with Friendship Challenges with your teens:


Just as we did when they were toddlers, we need to continue teaching our middle and high school kids what it means to be a good friend (on both sides of the equation). We also need to encourage them to stand up for themselves when they’re not being treated with respect. These tips can help you help your son/daughter navigate through a friendship challenge.

1.Show that you get it. Acknowledge that it hurts when someone betrays you—especially when a trusted friend turns against you. Reflect back what you hear, “You sound really hurt, angry, and confused.” Share a “hurt by a friend” story from your own teen years. Hopefully you can also share what you learned from that situation and how you used it to become a stronger, more thoughtful person. This models empathy and also reassures your child that (s)he will survive.

2.Calm down. Before moving toward the conflict resolution steps (3 and 4) your child needs to de-stress and you may need to also. No matter what awful thing someone has done to your kid, calming down first makes it easier to get through the upset.

3.What can/can’t you control? Point out the reality: You can’t control a friend’s behavior or feelings, but you can get a handle on your own. When talking about the choices other people make, one very wise 12-year at one of my events said, “My grandma says that stuff is just out of your hands.” Exactly right. And if you try to control things that you can’t control, it’s only going to stress you out more. Don’t let your kid go there!

4.Your child has options! Even after a fight, (s)he’s far from powerless. If, for example, a friend has turned into an enemy, your child’s options for dealing with the situation might include:

A.Talk to another trusted friend about the situation and get her opinion/advice
B.Talk directly to the wayward friend and tell her how what she did makes you feel
C.Don’t ever talk to that friend again
D.Get back at her by getting other people to turn against her
E.Forget about the hurt and act like it didn’t bother you
F.Find some new friends

Brainstorming at this point should be open-ended. Even though you might hear an option that immediately smacks as a “terrible” idea, don’t say anything.

5.Evaluate the choices. Only after your child lists several options is it time for him/her (not you) to evaluate them.

You: Take option D, for example. What’s likely to happen as a result of choosing that one?
Teen (thinking aloud): The whole grade will probably take sides. Then things will turn into this huge mess.

You: Will that help heal the friendship? Will it create more or less stress for you and others?
Teen: Uh… not really, and more.

You: I agree. Now, what about Option E? What might happen if you go with that one?
Teen: My friend might think that because I didn’t say anything that I didn’t mind. Which is so not true!

You: Will that build more trust in the friendship? Help you get more respect?
Teen: Obviously not.

Thinking about potential consequences is incredibly valuable to adolescents because they often react without first reflecting. Even discussing the worst, retaliatory knee-jerk options offer great (and totally safe) learning opportunities.

With your support in considering options (and without worrying that you’ll rush in and try to “fix” her problem) her thinking process will be accelerated. Hopefully, she’ll also move closer to the time when she no longer tolerates disrespectful behavior from any friend or so-called friend.

Sue Scheff: 5 Parent Secrets: Bring Out the Best In Your ADHD Child

Source: ADDitude Magazine

How to foster happiness and success in ADHD children who need a little help unwrapping their special gifts.

Every child is born with gifts. A child who has the fascinating trait called attention deficit disorder (ADHD) possesses extraordinary ones, but they may be hidden. And if they’re found, they can be tough to unwrap.

I hear from parents who say they need a plan to help them do that. Well, your wish has been granted. I have a five-step plan, called the cycle of excellence, which will reveal your ADHD child's gifts for all to see.
The plan works best if you love your child in the right way. First, try to catch her spirit and essence. Watch, listen, and interact with her, and don’t direct or worry about getting things done. Just hang out with her. You’ll come to see who your child is.

Before she gets labeled smart or stupid, hardworking or lazy, athletic or klutzy, friendly or taciturn, engaging or standoffish, before she gets labeled ADD or XYZ, a parent usually senses the beginnings of who her child is. Hold on to that!

Second, don’t listen much to the diagnosticians. Out of necessity, diagnosticians oversimplify. We miss the subtleties, the complexities, and the richness that makes up the spirit of a child. It is sad to see how many children lose that essence growing up. You can protect your child’s spirit by noticing it, naming it, and nourishing it.

The cycle of excellence will do the rest. I have used it many times — and have seen it used by other parents. The plan will help your child do more than get by in life. She will thrive and soar beyond where she, her teachers, and even you may have thought she could. Now let’s get started.

Read entire article: http://www.additudemag.com/adhd/article/5408.html

Sue Scheff: Parenting helping parents

As with my organization, Parents’ Universal Resource Experts, I created it to help other parents that are struggling with today’s teens. After going through a difficult time with my own teenage daughter, I made some major mistakes, however I wanted others to learn from my mistakes: more important - gain from my knowledge. I firmly believe that parents helping parents and parents learning from other parents firsthand - can be priceless!

Rhonda Spellman is a proud mother of a beautiful son - who happens to have autism. She has made it her mission in life to share with other parents and expanded her information into wonderful children’s books.

Here are some of her parenting tips and please take a moment to visit her website.

Quick tips: 9 Keys of Parenting

Children with Asperger’s Syndrome benefit from an environment that helps to build upon their strengths and builds their confidence and self esteem. What interests them? Help them to gain greater knowledge about their areas of abilities and interest. This helps to build their confidence.

To help them develop their social skills it is a good idea to talk with them frequently, inquiring how they feel about certain situations. Vary their exposure to a wide range of experiences. Observe their reaction to each and talk about their feelings.

Was the trip at the park better than the trip to the mountains? Why? What made one better or worse than the other? Try to avoid large crowds, too much noise and too many sensory impulses at one time. People with Asperger’s Syndrome are simply unable to assimilate too many variables at one time and you are setting them up for a ‘meltdown.’

It helps a person with Asperger’s Syndrome to broaden their interests and topics of conversation. Try introducing something new and different, in small steps and in small time slots. For example, visit a new location that offers a perspective that may enhance an ability they already possess. Go to a new planetarium if astronomy is “their thing.” Different settings can help them to learn what is and what isn’t socially appropriate.

Keep in mind that it is a critical element to ensure that they are in a safe, supportive, and strength-based group setting. Children with Asperger’s Syndrome unfortunately tend to act out inappropriately and become targets for bullies.

Because children with Asperger’s Syndrome are already fearful or otherwise resistant to socially interact with others it is paramount to begin working on their social skills as early as possible. They already have difficulty communicating with others and are often excluded in their schools by their peers because they appear “different” or “weird.” Involving them in small group settings in a familiar environment not only exposes them to “accepted” behaviors but it also gives them a feeling of acceptance among their peers.

*At my house we often have as many as 11 extra neighborhood children playing in the backyard with my two boys. My almost eight-year-old son has Asperger’s Syndrome. My just turned six-year-old son does not. They both are involved with the play at times. Sometimes my older son is an observer… and that’s okay. Sometimes he prefers to just play in the sandbox or paint with sidewalk chalk. *He gets the chalk wet and “paints” wonderful pictures.

I make popsicles by the dozen and the children take turns passing them out. I am firm on fairness and each knows the unwritten rule that no one is ever left out. Yes, the extra children can be exhausting… yes, the extra children can make a mess… yes, making the popsicles takes some time and it costs me a few extra dollars… Can I afford the extra time and effort? The way I see it: The interaction for my son is therapy I can’t afford NOT to do!

A child with Asperger’s self esteem is greatly enhanced when they are given opportunities to participate with and / or help others. Allowing them to pitch in and help with chores and to have responsibilities is a great start. Making sure that they are recognized and rewarded is the second step. Watching them grow into happy, stable and productive people is the always the goal.
I learn from my very different boys every day. I aim to teach them to love and accept those differences, in each other and in all others, every day.

Sue Scheff - Preventing Drug Abuse

D.A.R.E. - Drug Abuse Resistance Education has been known for many years and has helped been part of many schools in helping children learn the dangers of drug abuse. As a parent, take some time to review their newly updated information and website. It is important that parents and educators work together to help prevent drug use.

Source: D.A.R.E. Official Website

This year millions of school children around the world will benefit from D.A.R.E. (Drug Abuse Resistance Education), the highly acclaimed program that gives kids the skills they need to avoid involvement in drugs, gangs, and violence.

D.A.R.E. was founded in 1983 in Los Angeles and has proven so successful that it is now being implemented in 75 percent of our nation’s school districts and in more than 43 countries around the world.

D.A.R.E. is a police officer-led series of classroom lessons that teaches children from kindergarten through 12th grade how to resist peer pressure and live productive drug and violence-free lives.

Sue Scheff - Parenting Teens - What Video Games Are They Playing?

Do you know about the video games your kids just received for the holidays? Be an educated parent - keep informed. Connect with Kids offers great parenting tips to help you.

Source: Connect with Kids www.connectwithkids.com

Violent Video Games

“You can do anything. Just try to kill him.”

– T.J Trimmer, 12-year-old video game player

12-year-old T. J. Trimmer is playing one of his favorite video games- Mortal Kombat.

The goal, he says simply, is to beat your opponent. “You can do anything,” T.J. says, his fingers frantically manipulating dials and buttons. “Just try to kill him. Like right now I’m attacking this guy with, like, punches and kicks. There are all these special moves that you can use…You attack your opponent….it’ll do more damage to him when you have one of (these) weapons.”

But according to new research from Iowa State University, T.J. isn’t just hurting his opponents.

Researchers studies over 1,500 kids and found that the children who played violent video games were more aggressive afterwards than those who did not.

“They’re not just releasing aggression,” says child psychiatrist Dr. Adolph Casal. “They’re practicing aggression. When we practice something, we get good at it. If we don’t practice something, we don’t get good at it. So spending a considerable amount of time in an aggressive, violent situation on a daily basis, is going to improve our aggression skills.”

Of course, T.J. disagrees. “Like this way, you take your anger out on someone else, but you don’t really take it out on someone. You can take it out on this.”

Experts say parents need to set rules about which games they will allow their children to play and for how long.


Tips for Parents
The video-game industry has undergone a dramatic change since the birth of Super Mario, the happy acrobat who once thrilled children for hours as they played with their Nintendo systems. Today, dark and adult-themed games like Grand Theft Auto and Mortal Kombat are outselling kids’ games. Even Nintendo has switched gears by offering games with edgier subjects like the zombies featured in Resident Evil.

Why has the landscape of the video-game industry undergone such drastic change? Consider these statistics from the Entertainment Software Association:

The average game player is 35 years old and has been playing games for 13 years.
The average age of the most frequent game purchaser is 40 years old.
Forty percent of all game players are women. In fact, women over the age of 18 represent a significantly greater portion of the game-playing population (33 percent) than boys age 17 or younger (18 percent).
In 2008, 26 percent of Americans over the age of 50 played video games, an increase from nine percent in 1999.
Thirty-six percent of heads of households play games on a wireless device, such as a cell phone or PDA, up from 20 percent in 2002.
In its annual report at the end of 2008, the consumer watchdog organization the National Institute on Media and the Family (NIMF) gave the video-game industry nearly straight-A’s, with particularly high grades in the rating system and retail policies.

Parents, on the other hand, scored an “incomplete” by NIMF, due mainly to their lack of attention to the ratings system and because most don’t use the parental control features on game consoles.

As a parent, how can you prevent your child from becoming exposed to violent or sexually explicit media? You can start by familiarizing yourself with the video game rating system. The Entertainment Software Rating Board (ESRB) rates every video and computer game for age appropriateness (located on the front of the packaging) and, when appropriate, labels games with content descriptions. The ESRB’s current rating standard is as follows:

E: Everyone
T: Teens (13 and older)
M: Mature audiences (17 and older)
AO: Adults only
Children Now, a research and action organization, offers these additional tips for helping you to choose the right video games for your child:

Know your child. Different children handle situations differently. Regardless of age, if your child becomes aggressive or unsettled after playing violent video games, don’t buy games with violence in them. Likewise, if your child likes playing games with characters that look like her or him, purchase games with characters that fit the bill.
Read more than the ratings. While the ESRB ratings can be helpful, they do not tell the whole story. Some features that you may consider violent or sexual may not be labeled as such by the ESRB. In addition, the ESRB does not rate games for the positive inclusion of females or characters of color. The language on the packaging may give you a better idea of the amount and significance of violence and sexuality and the presence of gender and racial diversity or stereotypes in the game.
Go online. The ESRB website provides game ratings as well as definitions of the rating system. In addition, you can visit game maker and distributor websites to learn more about the contents of a game. Some have reviews that will provide even more information about the game.
Rent before you buy. Many video rental stores also rent video games and consoles. Take a trial run before you purchase a game.
Talk to other parents. Find out which games other parents like and dislike as well as which games they let your child play when he or she visits their house. This is a good way to learn about the games that your child enjoys and those that other parents approve of, and to let other parents know which games you do not want your child playing.
Play the games with your child. Know what your child is being exposed to and how he or she reacts to different features in the games.
Talk about what you see. If your child discovers material that he or she finds disturbing or that you find inappropriate, talk about it. This is a great opportunity to let your child know what your values are as well as to help him or her deal with images that may be troubling.
Set limits. If you are worried that your child spends too much time playing video games, limit the amount of time or specify the times of day that video games can be played.
Put the games in a public space. Just as with the Internet, keep your game consoles and computers in public family space so that you can be aware of the material your child is viewing.
Contact the game makers. If you find material that you think is offensive or inappropriate, let the people who make and sell the games know about it. Likewise, let game makers know if you think that a game provides healthy messages or images. They do care what you think!
To make your search easier, the NIMF cites the following video games that are either positive for children or contain negative images for children to avoid:

Positive games for your child:

Guitar Hero World Tour
Rock Band 2
Rock Revolution
Spider-Man: Web of Shadows
Shaun White Snowboard
Games that are inappropriate for your child:

Blitz: The League II
Dead Space
Fallout 3
Far Cry 2
Gears of War 2
Legendary
Left 4 Dead
Resistance 2
Saints Row 2
Silent Hill: Homecoming

References
Children Now
Entertainment Software Rating Board
Federal Trade Commission
Interactive Digital Software Association
Iowa State University
National Institute on Media and the Family

Sue Scheff - Parenting ADHD

Source: ADDitude Magazine

4 Ways to Be a Better Parent: Raising ADHD Children

Expert advice for parenting your ADHD children -- forging powerful connections and becoming a positive life coach.

by Edward Hallowell, M.D.

Parenting children with attention deficit disorder (ADD ADHD) brings more ups and downs than a roller coaster.
One day you're basking in your child's creativity, the next you're worried about his social isolation and discipline problems at school. You do everything you can think of to help your son or daughter, yet wonder if you could do more.
What does it take to be a good, even great, parent of an ADD child? How can you create an environment that helps your special, wonderful child overcome the obstacles in his path?
Let me suggest four strategies:

1. Forge connections

Once you've taken care of your child's safety and feeding, your top job as a parent is to help her feel connected. By this, I mean creating an environment in which she feels part of something big and warm and benevolent. Reading to your child" is a great way to create connections. Sharing a bedtime story each evening (and doing a little cuddling in the process) lets you create a special, "slowed-down time together, and, of course, it's a great way to build your child's vocabulary.
Don't assume you have to give up this ritual once your child is reading on his own. You can continue it well into his teens.

How else can you create connections? Consider getting a family pet. And encourage contact between your child and his extended family. Frequent visits or calls from relatives extend a net of warmth and caring around your child. One of my favorite research studies showed that the single best predictor of happiness in adulthood is whether a person regularly shared family dinners when growing up.

2. Stay positive

It's too easy for parents to focus only on the problems associated with ADD. Yes, children with ADHD lose things. Yes, they often forget to turn in their homework. Yes, they are easily frustrated. But constantly harping on your child's shortcomings only undermines his self-confidence and optimism.

Try focusing on the positives for a change. What is it that your son does well? What hidden (or not-so-hidden) strengths does your daughter have? One mom I know used to say that her ADD daughter had trouble seeing the fish in the aquarium at the doctor's office - because she was so fascinated by the tiny fish eggs clinging to one leaf of an aquatic plant. Well, that daughter is now hoping to use her ability to see the unusual to launch a career in fashion design.

3. Be a coach

Helping your child grow into a happy, successful adult involves more than giving her medication each day. It means helping her find success and confidence in relationships and activities that she enjoys. Medication can be instrumental in helping her apply the brakes to her racecar brain. But medication alone is never enough.

Certain issues will persist throughout your child's school career - and, in all likelihood, her whole life. I'm talking about practical matters, like getting along with others, planning each day, and staying motivated in the face of setbacks. As a parent, you must be ready to help your child in these areas. Medication is not the whole treatment for ADD. Never was, never will be.

4. Allow time for play

Parents sometimes fear that their child won't "keep up" or develop friendships unless he is signed up for several organized activities - sports, clubs, and so on. But kids need some time for unstructured play. It shows them that they can learn to create joy all by themselves - a skill that will help them preserve the positive energy of childhood into their adult years. So pick a couple of things your child loves, then give him the gift of time.

Sue Scheff: Love our Children USA

For almost ten years, Love Our Children USA has become the go-to prevention organization for all forms of violence and neglect against children. Our commitment is to break the cycle of violence against children.

Empowering the public with knowledge … giving children and youth a voice by speaking for them… advocating for their safety and taking their message to the media and to our communities … a liaison between those with no power and those with power.

Practicing safe and positive parenting in every home … every school ... every community across America ... for all children ... creating successful families.

Getting to the root of the cause of child violence ... and breaking the cycle — before it starts. And ... by doing this we can stop domestic violence which begins with the victimization of children. Keeping America's Children Safe ... Strengthening America's Families This is the purpose, passion and commitment ofLove Our Children USA.

Mission StatementNovember 2006 marked Love Our Children USA’s eighth year as the national nonprofit leader in breaking the cycle of violence against children. It has become 'the go-to prevention' organization for all forms of violence and neglect against children in the U.S.

Love Our Children USA works to eliminate behaviors that keep children from reaching their potential. It redefines parenting and creates kid success by promoting prevention strategies and positive changes in parenting and family attitudes and behaviors through public education. Love Our Children USA honors and respects children and works to empower and support children, teens, parents and families through information, resources, advocacy, and online youth mentoring. Its goal is to keep children safe and strengthen families -- Its message is positive ... one of prevention, empowerment and hope.

Contact Information
Toll Free: 888.347.KIDS
Email Us

www.loveourchildrenusa.org

Sue Scheff: Tips When Your Child Starts Dating

Source: OneToughJob

Your Child's Behavior at 12 -15 years old

As your child moves from childhood into the teenage years, she will encounter many social and cultural challenges. It is an exciting time and yet a scary time for your child. As she moves more toward independence, she will be convinced she knows everything, you know nothing and you were literally born yesterday. In fact, at this time, she needs you more than ever. By knowing what to expect at this stage of your child's life, you are better equipped to interact effectively with her. By communicating clearly with your child and listening to what she has to say and the emotions she is expressing, you can help your child through this stage.

Tips for Dating

1.Talk with your child about what she hopes for from dating and from relationships.
2.Let her know your concerns and hopes for her as she goes out on dates.
3.Know who your child is hanging out with and dating.
4.Talk with the parents of those kids.
5.Set clear rules about who can be with her in your home when there are no adults present.
6.Teach manners and how to be respectful of others.
7.Let your child know she can always call home if she is uncomfortable or feels worried.
8.Tell your child to have fun—dating should be fun.

Sue Scheff: Parents Everywhere!

I recently discovered a great website of podcasts to help educate parents on today’s kids - including teens, pre-teens and younger!

Take a peek at www.parentseverywhere.com - If you are a parent, I am sure there is topic that will interest you!

The Parents Everywhere Network is an incredible resource of experts who provide you with the parenting tools you need every week. Subscribe to our Podcasts for free and each show will be automatically downloaded to your computer where you can listen to each episode on your computer, or copy the files to your iPod or MP3 Player. You can also listen directly from our website, where ever you see the embedded player. The shows are free, convenient and only 20 minutes long. You can listen anytime, anywhere!

10 Ways You Can Help Your Child Cope With Peer Pressure

Standing up to peer pressure is one of the greatest challenges that children face. Many are unable to stand up to the challenge and are led into participating in risky or even illegal activities. Help your child deal with peer pressures by doing the following:

Read entire article here: http://www.education.com/reference/article/Ref_10_Ways_You_Can_Help/#

Also visit http://www.a-better-child.org/

The Ballad of the Adopted Child by Jeanne Droullard

DOES your teen,

- always seem angry?
- have anger that turns into rage?
- show signs of depression, i.e., withdrawal, slipping grades?
- show disrespect to you or disrespect people in authority?
- self-protect by keeping people at a distance?
- lie, manipulate and steal?
- ever talk about his/her biological parents?
- want to find his/her biological parents?

DO you,

- feel comfortable about your teen's behavior?
- recognize signs of RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder)?
- believe you must be adopted to show signs of RAD?
- understand what is meant by the Primal Wound?
- think it makes a difference at what age a child is adopted?
- understand bonding and how it can be disrupted?
- understand the fear and pain of an adoptee?
- understand adoptee' difficulty in trusting and showing love


It can be difficult to know if your adopted teen's anger is normal and within the range of typical teenage behavior. Most teenagers get angry, especially during the years when their bodies are changing and the hormones can bring quick and severe mood swings. All teenagers are searching the world trying to find out who they are and what they want to become. They all want to know how the world will affect them and how they will affect the world.

If not addressed as a child, an adopted teenager has a duality of conflicts to overcome. Whether adopted as a baby or as an older child, this teenager has had a separation from the birth mother and this is a strong link that is not forgotten. Nancy Verrier calls this the Primal Wound. In the womb, Psychologists now agree that the child is very aware of the mother, how she smells, how she laughs and feels, even how she sounds. The baby has been inside the womb for nine months. This baby even realizes if it was a wanted pregnancy or an unwanted pregnancy - this baby knows. It also has an awareness of the physical, mental and emotional connection with the mother. Bonding begins before physical birth and possibly shortly after conception. Many professionals used to laugh at this idea and thought it impossible for a little baby to know and remember being separated from its birth mother. Alas, the tide has changed and the professionals now believe that this child couldn't help but know the separation from the birth mom that carried it - and this is the primal wound that stays with that child forever.

Read entire article here: http://www.helpyourteens.com/adoption/index.html