Teens Surviving Divorce

Communication is key. Talk, don't argue.

Talking Your Teen through Your Divorce
Divorce can be a heart-wrenching process for the whole family, and no matter how tough your teenager appears to be through the whole ordeal, he or she isn’t immune to the pain it brings. Even if your teen agrees it’s a good thing for you and your spouse to divorce, they have to endure the massive change that comes with having only one parent in the home, the possibility of moving, custody disputes and perhaps having to hear hateful things about you from the other parent.

Communicate Early and Often
Divorce can be all-consuming for the parents involved, which is why you must purpose to communicate regularly with your teen on the matters that affect him or her. Divorce isn’t something you want to spring on your teen. When you and your spouse come to the conclusion that you are really and truly filing for divorce, pull your teen aside and explain the situation as early as possible so they have time to prepare themselves emotionally for the changes that are about to occur in your family. If you can stand it, it’s best to do this together, but many parents choose to talk to their teen individually.

While talking about the divorce with your teen is important, it’s certainly not important to go into all the gory details. Your teen will likely have a lot of questions as to why the divorce is happening, but if you can’t explain the situation in a way that is fair to the other parent, be succinct and tell them that when it doesn’t hurt so much you’ll explain things better. Sometimes all you’re able to say is “We just don’t love each other anymore” or “We were fighting too much. It wasn’t healthy.” Whatever you do, don’t use these conversations as opportunities to attack or pass blame on the other parent. Doing so is extremely destructive.

Apologize for How It Will Affect Them
If you believe you’re making a good decision by going through with the divorce, there’s no need to apologize to your teen for the divorce itself. You can, however, apologize for the affect the events leading up to the divorce have had on them, and for how the divorce will affect them in the future. For example, you could say, “For the past few years, you’ve heard nothing but your parents fighting day in and day out. No teenager should have to be raised in that situation. I’m sorry you had to live in a house like that.”

Tell them you love them and It’s Not Their Fault
Divorce or no, you can never tell your teen “I love you” too often. Make it clear to them that they mean the world to you and that they had nothing to do with why you and your spouse are separating. Aside from verbally expressing your love, show it by your actions by purposing to not get so engrossed in the divorce that you miss attending important games and events in your teen’s life.

Let Them Vent
Finally, your teen may need to work through a lot of anger and sadness over the divorce. Listen to them when they express their concerns and allow them to work through it. Your teen may blame you for not doing more to keep the marriage together or shut out the whole situation by avoiding home to hang out with friends. It’s at this point that you need to reach out to your teen the most so they don’t turn to alcohol, drugs and sex for comfort in their pain.

By-line:
Kitty Holman, regularly writes on the topics of nursing colleges.  She welcomes your comments at her email Id: kitty.holman20@gmail.com.

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Sue Scheff: Parenting for Divorced Parents

Source: Blended Families Advice

Guidelines for Divorced Parents

By Shirley Cress Dudley

1- Keep contact to a minimum

One phone call a day is excessive, several text messages a day is extremely excessive. If you have a subject related to the kids- speak briefly and clearly about your expectations. Emails are better than phone calls, if your issue is not an emergency.

2- Do not contact your ex-spouse unless you have a topic related to the children.

You no longer have a relationship with this person, except that he or she is the other parent of your children. Your only relationship is one of co-parenting. Asking for assistance with household repairs, meals, or even just talking about your day- is no longer acceptable.

3- Do not speak negatively about your ex-spouse in front of the children.

It doesn't make you look better in front of the kids, and it does not help with the co-parenting relationship you have with your ex. Children are confused by negative talk and should not be trapped in the middle of your marital issues.

4- Don't send messages to your ex-spouse through the kids

Your children have been through some major changes- mom and dad not living together, divorce, and now visitation back and forth between the houses. They do not need to be involved in adult discussions or arguments.

5- Don't question the kids about their activities when they return from a visit with the other parent.

Children are very suspicious of this and wonder what they are supposed to say. They wonder if it's O.K. to have fun at Dad's house. You want your children to have a positive relationship with their Daddy, and want them to feel that they don't have to "report back" all the activity going on in his house. It's O.K. to ask them if they had a good time over the weekend, and then smile and say, "great" after their brief response. Move on to another topic, immediately after the question, so that the kids know it's O.K. to have enjoyed the time, and that you're not being nosy about their Dad.

6-Work together with your ex to coordinate a visitation schedule for the kids.

Let your ex know if there are any changes to your schedule, as soon as possible. Emergencies will arise (for both parties) but planning ahead allows both parents to care for the kids as best as possible.

7-Don't sabotage family events at your ex's house.

You may be considering planning a huge meal to serve to your kids right before dropping them off for Thanksgiving dinner at your ex's house, or bringing them to their other parent's house, late, so that they miss an important event scheduled for them. You may think these tactics hurt your ex, but in reality, you are only hurting your own children. Step back, and remember to do what's best for your kids.

8-Don't speak negatively about your ex's new partner

This is the person who will help raise your children. This person is caring for your children when they are not with you.

9-Choose a new partner that loves your kids

Now that you're a parent, you can't just marry someone for your own needs, but also someone who will be a great parent to your kids. When you're ready to remarry, make sure this person is willing to devote time to get to know, love and help you care for your kids.

10-Focus on the Kids

Some of these rules sound pretty tough, but remember to focus on your kids. This isn't about trying to hurt your spouse or "get even" - your goal should be to do what's best for your children.

Check out Blended Family Advice ebook for more information on how to blend your step family.

Shirley Cress Dudley is a licensed professional counselor with a master's degree in Marriage and Family Counseling, and a master's degree in Education. She has a passion for helping blended families grow strong and be successful. Visit our website for more help with your blended family and step parent issues.

http://www.BlendedFamilyAdvice.com

Sue Scheff: Parenting Toolbox

This past weekend I was introduced (via online) to an Author and Therapist that specializes in parenting and families. As a Parent Advocate, I have to share this fantastic information with others, so please take the time to learn more. His website provides great parenting advice, tips on raising our children, as well as articles that are educational and informative.

Ron Huxley is the founder of the ParentingToolbox and has helped parents online for over a decade and offline for almost two decades.

Ron is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist currently practicing on the Central California Coast. He specializes in trauma, attachment and nontraditional families (like divorced, step, and adoptive families). He is the author of the book “Love and Limits: Achieving a Balance in Parenting” and has been in the field of parenting and mental health for 2 decades.

Ron believes in taking a strength-based approach to parenting that builds on solutions and not problems. He believes that the “person is not the problem, the problem is the problem” and he creatively crafts a parenting strategy that fits each family situation. He is a Certified Family Wellness Instructor, Incredible Years Parenting Instructor and he has advanced training in Play Therapy and Trauma Interventions.

Ron has spoken to parents on the importance of having a Balanced Parenting Styles and Secure Attachment in every conceivable setting, from a Women’s Prison to Parent/Teacher Conferences to Corporate Board Rooms. He has written articles for Disney Family, Child Magazine, Readers Digest, Pregnancy Magazine, the Recovery Journal, Self-Help Online and Woman’s World. He has appeared on numerous television and radio shows including BBC Radio, LA Talk Radio, the Leeza Gibbons Show, Parents Tool Talk Radio and Oprah.com. Currently, he is directing a children’s mental health clinic in California that specializes in attachment and trauma issues for foster care and adoptive families.

Read Ron Huxley’s articles here: http://parentingtoolbox.wordpress.com/
One of his articles is How to Stop Anger

Take a moment to read more – http://parentingtoolbox.wordpress.com/stop-anger/

Sue Scheff: Parents, Divorce and Teens

I know there are many parents that can relate to this. Personally, I grew up in a time when the divorce was almost unheard of, however once my siblings and I were all over 18, our parents divorced. What a relief! In many ways - it is my opinion, if you you know the marriage it over, and you have exhausted every avenue to keep it alive - and it is obvious that the union is over, in many ways divorce can be a better route for the kids - rather than living with the feuding and constant tension and confliction within the family unit. This is only my experience, take time to review these great tips from Connect with Kids. I am in no way promoting divorce, I am only saying as mature adults we need to do what is best for all involved. Of course, each family and their dynamics are different - requiring different solutions and results.

Source: Connect with Kids

Family Feuding

“It’s very hard, and it takes a lot for me to trust somebody. I don’t trust people very openly, very freely.”

– Katherine Yarberry, 14 years old

Katherine Yarberry’s parents got along well until she was about 4 years old.

“We all had a lot of fun together, that’s all I can remember,” says Katherine, who is now 14.
But those good times with her mom and dad didn’t last long. Soon, the arguing began, creating moments in time she will never forget.

“I was in the other room, and I heard something break, and my dad had thrown a plate against the wall,” she says. “They were having a fight.”

When children grow up in households where their parents often fight and the prevailing emotion is anger, it’s easy to imagine why they would be unhappy. And that unhappiness can last a lifetime.

“It’s very hard, and it takes a lot for me to trust somebody. I don’t trust people very openly, very freely,” Katherine says.

The Journal of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry reports that kids who witness constant fighting are at greater risk for depression, drug dependence and low self-esteem.

What’s more, their future relationships with their spouse or their children are also at risk.
“I think parents don’t understand, and they get involved in their own issues [so] they don’t get the perspective that they need to that they are role modeling for their children and children are probably going to copy them in some way or another,” says Dr. John Lochridge, a psychiatrist.
Experts say parents need to remember that every time they fight, they are influencing their children’s behavior patterns.

The good news, Lochridge says, is that if angry parents teach their kids anger, then they can also teach them conflict resolution. And it’s never too late to begin.

“I think you can change your relationship to make it much more appropriate for the kids,” Lochridge says. “In fact, you can even role model conflict resolution.”

Tips for Parents

Several studies suggest that children of divorced parents are at an “increased risk” for later problems – namely divorce – in their own marriages. One study, published in the Journal of Marriage and Family,followed 2,000 married people and 335 of their children over a 17-year period.

“Children who grow up with divorced parents tend to reach adulthood with a relatively weak commitment to the norm of lifelong marriage,” says study author Dr. Paul R. Amato of Pennsylvania State University. “When their own marriages become troubled, they tend to leave the relationship rather than stick it out or work on it.”

He says adult children of divorce have a tendency to jettison relationships that may be salvageable. Among the findings in Dr. Amato’s study:

Children of divorce are twice as likely to see their own marriages end in divorce.
Children of “maritally distressed parents” who remain continuously married did not have an elevated risk of divorce.

The risk of divorce was more likely among children whose parents reported a low, rather than high, level of discord prior to divorce.

The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry (AACAP) says that during the difficult period of divorce, parents may be preoccupied with their own problems but continue to be the most important people in their children’s lives. Children will cope best if they know their mother and father will still be their parents and remain involved with them even though the marriage is ending and their parents won’t live together.

The AACAP says research shows that it is best for children of divorce when their parents can cooperate on behalf of their children.The authors of Making Divorce Easier on Your Child: 50 Effective Ways to Help Children Adjust give the following advice to parents to help minimize the negative effects of divorce on their children:
Subject children to as few changes as possible as a result of the divorce. For example, try to have the children attend the same schools, continue to live in the same home, etc.
Don’t argue or fight with your ex-spouse in your children’s presence. The amount of parental conflict that your children witness following divorce is directly related to their level of adjustment.

Consistent discipline is very important. Both parents should use similar, age-appropriate discipline techniques with their children.

Don’t use children as messengers in parental communications. Children should never be asked to relay messages, such as “Tell your dad that he is late with the child support payment.”
Don’t use children as spies.

Don’t use children as allies in parental battles.

Don’t demean the other parent in front of children. Remember that your ex-spouse is still your children’s parent.

Don’t burden children with personal fears and concerns.

It is usually in your children’s best interest to have a consistent pattern of frequent visits with the non-custodial parent.

If major problems develop for children and/or parents, seek professional assistance.

References
American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry
Journal of Marriage and Family
Making Divorce Easier on Your Child: 50 Effective Ways to Help Children Adjust, by Nicholas Long and Rex Forehand
Pennsylvania State University
Simmons College