Sue Scheff: Teen Anger, Rage and Learning to Manage it

"I don't care what you say I am doing what I want to do! I hate you and you just don't want me to have fun!"


"All my friends are allowed to stay out late; you are mean and want to ruin my life!"


"You have no idea how I feel and you are only making it worse!"

When a difficult teen is out of control, they only can hear themselves and what they want. It is usually their way or no way! There are so many factors that can contribute to these feelings. The feelings are very real and should be addressed as soon as you see that your child is starting to run the household. Teen anger may lead to teen rage and teen violence which can soon destroy a family.

A local therapist can help your family diagnosis what is causing the negative behavior patterns. Conduct Disorder or Oppositional Defiance Disorder (ODD) is some of the many causes to this harmful and stressful behavior. Many times you will find a need for a positive and safe program either local or outside your home are that can help determine where these hurtful outbursts are stemming from.

As difficult as this may seem, it is important that as your teen is expressing these feeling of anger and rage, that you as the parent learn to control your emotions. You don't want to fuel it or feed it which can potentially enrage it.

Here are some tips for parents to learn to help manage their stress level as their teens is spiraling out of control:

1. Take a 'timeout.' Although it may seem cliché, counting to 10 before reacting really can defuse your temper.
2. Get some space. Take a break from the person you're angry with until your frustrations subside a bit.
3. Once you're calm, express your anger. It's healthy to express your frustration in a nonconfrontational way. Stewing about it can make the situation worse.
4. Get some exercise. Physical activity can provide an outlet for your emotions, especially if you're about to erupt. Go for a brisk walk or a run, swim, lift weights or shoot baskets.
5. Think carefully before you say anything. Otherwise, you're likely to say something you'll regret. It can be helpful to write down what you want to say so that you can stick to the issues. When you're angry, it's easy to get sidetracked.
6. Identify solutions to the situation. Instead of focusing on what made you mad, work with the person who angered you to resolve the issue at hand.
7. Use 'I' statements when describing the problem. This will help you to avoid criticizing or placing blame, which can make the other person angry or resentful - and increase tension. For instance, say, "I'm upset you didn't help with the housework this evening," instead of, "You should have helped with the housework."
8. Don't hold a grudge. If you can forgive the other person, it will help you both. It's unrealistic to expect everyone to behave exactly as you want.
9. Use humor to release tensions. Lightening up can help diffuse tension. Don't use sarcasm, though - it's can hurt feelings and make things worse.
10. Practice relaxation skills. Learning skills to relax and de-stress can also help control your temper when it may flare up. Practice deep-breathing exercises, visualize a relaxing scene, or repeat a calming word or phrase to yourself, such as "Take it easy." Other proven ways to ease anger include listening to music, writing in a journal and doing yoga.

These tips from the Mayo Clinic can also be helpful to your teens. It could benefit you to sit down with your teens and talk about controlling rage and anger before it escalates to the boiling over point.

Be an educated parent, you will have safer and healthier teens.
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Sue Scheff: Teens Helping Hurting Teens - To Save A Life - Must See Film

TO SAVE A LIFE is now in over 400 screens in theaters nationwide. To Save A Life is a powerful Indie movie about the real-life challenges of teens and their choices. But it's more than just a movie-it's a feature-length film with follow-up opportunities like a youth group curriculum and a teen devotional centered around the biblical concept that we're never more like a Higher Power than when we are reaching out to the hurting and lonely. Watch trailer.

At some point, every teen has to decide: "What's my life going to be about?" To Save A Life dares to bring that question into their world, encouraging them to answer it with boldness and honesty.

ABOUT TO SAVE A LIFE

An all-star athlete and his girlfriend find their lives spinning out of control when Jake loses a childhood friend. Help comes when he reaches out to others who are hurting, and he realizes some people are just dying to be heard.

The movie asks...

• How far would you go?
• How much would you risk?
• How hard would you fight...TO SAVE A LIFE

To Save A Life has also created a website for resources for parents. Teen depression is very real. Parents need to be aware of the warning signs and symptoms.

There are several symptoms of teen depression. Among them are:

• Withdrawing from family and friends
• Losing interest in social and extracurricular activities
• Displaying a lack of energy, Feeling tired most of the time
• Anxiety, Irritability, Anger,Feelings of sadness for much of the time
• Significant weight fluctuations
• Sleep pattern changes
• Physical pains and aches, or sickness, even though there is nothing physically wrong
• Indifference about the future
• Uncharacteristic pessimism,Guilty feelings
• Lowering self-esteem
• Suicidal thoughts

There are two main types of teen depression. These include:

• Major depression: This type of teen depression is of short duration, although it is quite severe. It is possible to have a bout of severe depression, feel fine for a few months (or even years), and then have another bout. For teens, though, even one bout of severe depression can feel as though it will never end and prompt a suicide attempt.
• Dysthymia: Dysthymia lasts much longer than major depression, and the feelings are not as severe. Some teens have this low level depression plague them for years without having it diagnosed. This type of depression can also lead to teen suicide if the teenager becomes discouraged with never feeling happy.

Another type of teen depression has to do with life changes. It is called adjustment disorder with depressed mood, and it can be the result of the death of a loved one, divorce, moving to a different town, or even changing schools. This, too, can lead to teen suicide if the teenager feels hopeless, and that the feeling will never end.

This film helps educate parents, teachers, and others that work with today's teenagers as well as will bring an awareness to teens and allowing them to know that we do care. Growing up today is not easy; Peer pressure, drug abuse, gangs, trends, sex and more is what many kids are facing on a daily basis.

Currently To Save a Life is playing at Regal Cypress Creek Station 16 in Ft. Lauderdale. For more information and theaters near you, visit http://www.tosavealifemovie.com/tickets/ .

Watch the trailer. Be an educated parent - you will have safer and healthier teens. Read more on Examiner.

Sue Scheff: Help Haiti - We Have We Need - Helping organizing relief

As the world has come together to help with this natural disaster, a group of generous and caring people created a website that will help organize the needs in Haiti.


We Have We Need is a place where relief organizations can quickly post their most urgent needs and have them matched by generous donors during a time of crisis. This site was built by a group of geeky do-gooders who saw this as an opportunity to use technology to help bring people and donations together in the aftermath of a devastating earthquake in Haiti. If you'd like to participate in the program, please contact them at help@wehaveweneed.org.

They offer a list of categories including food, fuel, medical, shelter, transportation, telecom and other needs as well as haves.

As parents, we need to encourage your children to clean out their closets, go through the garage, take the time to go through their clothes; teach your kids to donate to those in need. Learning at an early age to pay it forward is not only rewarding, it can help build good character into their adult lives.

In South Florida there are drop off boxes at fire departments. Miami Herald reported today about the many compassionate residents in South Florida that are volunteering, donating and much more. This is the time to come together not only as a community, but as a family. You can get your entire family involved in helping those in need.

For more information on donating and volunteering visit the Red Cross and Doctors Without Borders.

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Sue Scheff: Running as a family

More and more we are seeing people (adults and teens) running, jogging and sweating. Although running is not for everyone, it is a great activity that not only can keep you healthy, it can also be a family activity. Whether you make is a Saturday and Sunday habit, or evening or early morning (before or after school and work), doing it as a family can help promote your relationship with your teen and children.

Starting running can be tough, but stick it out, it will be worth it. In Broward County, Runners Depot Training Team started in 2000 and since then has grown tremendously. More and more people are taking an interest in being and staying healthy. Every Saturday at the Town Center in Weston, as many as 60 runners meet as they venture a 10-20 mile run. Sun-Sentinel recently reported on their group, Early risers on the run in Weston.

Running is beneficial to you in many aspects of your life. Whether it is for your heath, heart, losing weight, stress relief, meeting other people in your community, running for causes and more, but one of the many great reasons is it is also an activity you can do as a family. In today's economy, it is also a cost effective way to have fun as a family.

What are you waiting for, start today! Of course, if you have health issues that prevent you from this activity, maybe you can bike with the family or find some other way to take part in the family activity. Walking as a family is also beneficial! Just do things together - empower your parent-child relationship.

Being an educated parent leads to safer and healthier teens and children.

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Sue Scheff: Teens and Sexual Harassment

Sexual harassment in the workplace is unacceptable. When you hear about it happening with teenagers it is more deplorable. Who is responsible for your teen's safety when they go to their job?

Recently 20/20 ABC News reported on this disturbing subject. Sexual Harassment Policy Expert, Susan Strauss, says the problem is especially prevalent in fast food restaurants where so many teenagers have their first jobs.

"They're vulnerable, they're young, they're new to the workforce," Strauss said of the teenage employees.

What is sexual harassment?

Sexual harassment is unwanted sexual behavior. It may take different forms, including:

• Physical contact, like grabbing, pinching, touching your breast or butt or other body parts, or kissing you against your will;
• Sexual comments, like name-calling (slut, whore, fag), starting rumors about you, making sexual jokes at your expense, or making sexual gestures at or about you;
• Sexual propositions, like asking you for sex or repeatedly asking you out when you have said no;
• Unwanted communication, like phone calls, letters, or e-mails. These can be mean, nasty, or threatening, or they can seem flattering or nice but still make you uncomfortable.

These are only examples; there may be other forms of behavior that are not listed here but still can be considered sexual harassment.

Both the harasser and the victim can be either male or female, and they do not have to be the opposite sex. The harasser can be another teenager or an adult.

Reference: Teen Victim Project

• 81 percent of students will experience some form of sexual harassment at some time while they are in school, with 27 percent experiencing it often.
• 85 percent of students report that students harass other students at their schools.
• Almost 40 percent of students report that teachers and other school employees sexually harass students in their schools.

Do you suspect your teen is being harassed at their employment? Whether you answer "yes" or "no" you have to take the time to discuss this subject with them. They need to understand even if they are not strong enough to say "no" to sexual advances or afraid to say "no", it is wrong and they can tell someone.

Sexual harassment is not limited to just workplaces, it could be in school, youth groups, or any situation that involves a person that is less than ethical. This information is not to alarm as much as it is to bring an awareness to parents.

According to a recent study in Maine, one in three high school students reported unwanted sexual advances in the workplace.

Be an educated parent, you will have a safer teen.

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Sue Scheff: Bad Friends - Who are your teens hanging with?

Last fall Dr. Michele Borba, TODAY Show Contributor, released her largest book ever! The BIG Book of Parenting Solutions - 101 Answers to Your Everyday Challenges and Wildest Worries.

In a 10 part series on Examiner, I explored only a tiny fraction of what BBPS (BIG Book of Parenting Solutions). Parenting Resolutions with Solutions is a 4 part series that shared 101 topics that are covered in BBPS.

Today the topic is bad friends (social scene section). Turn to page 315 and learn about how your kids are choosing friends and why. Find out the problem, the red flags, and why sometimes change is necessary. You will also find solutions!

Here are some signs and symptoms that your child may be choosing less than a desirable peer group.

• Secretiveness. Your child becomes very secretive, locks his room, and covers up what he is doing.
• Changes in appearance. Your child starts wearing "provocative" attire, wants only pricey or name-brand items, has a complete change in hairstyle, or starts wearing gizmos that "just aren't your kid."
• School problems. Your child's grades drop; he loses interest in school, gets detentions or tardies, doesn't turn in homework; you have received worried calls or notes from his teacher.
• Changes in activities. Your child pulls away from past friends; sees this kid exclusively; is negative about "former" pals; or quits a team or sport or other activities that he has always loved.
• Character changes. Your child's integrity and your family values, culture or religious beliefs are affected; he is more withdrawn, moody, or sad.
• Untrustworthiness. You can no longer count on your child's word; he lies, doesn't keep his promises, isn't where he say he is, misses his curfew, sneaks out.
• Decline in reputation. Your child's image is negatively affected; teachers, coaches, other parents, or kids pull away or say your kid "has changed" - and not for the better.
• Tense family relations. You and your child have frequent arguments, and your relationships with your child is strained.
• Violence. Your child is preoccupied with violence in his drawings, writings, vocabulary, or choice of activities.

Of course any kid could show some of these traits, and they may have nothing to do with the friend he is hanging out with. The trick is to keep a closer eye on your child and this new friend: how many of these symptoms showed up because this kid came into his life? Also, are you sure the other kid is the negative influence---not vice versa?

The entire social scene section of BBPS covers so much more. Cliques, Drinking, Peer Pressure, Sex, Swearing and more.

If you are parenting today or going to be a parent, this book is a must in your library of parenting books. Order today!

Be an educated parent, you will be prepared and that means safer and healthier children!

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Sue Scheff: When Teens Say to Parents: "I hate you"

Unfortunately many parents will hear these words when a heated debate comes up and a teenager is not allowed to have or do a specific event/item. Enduring this type of 'tough love" is one of the most common paths parents of struggling teens have to travel, hearing these hateful words.

Many cannot understand or grasp the concept of "not enabling" the child to ruin or run the family unit. Enduring life with a teen that is running the home can result in many uproars, conflicts, arguments, battles, and sometimes psychical and verbal abuse. Tough love is exactly that: Tough. Loving our children is unconditional, but we don't have to like what they are doing or how they are destroying their lives.

There will come a time when a parent realizes enough is enough! This is the time that they need the support from outside sources, such as a support group, along with professional intervention. This does not reflect you as a parent, nor does it place blame on the family, it is the child that is making the bad choices and the family is suffering from it.

Many times tough love is simply letting go. Let the child make their mistakes and they will either learn from them or suffer the consequences. Unfortunately depending on the situation, it is not always feasible to wait until the last minute to intervene. If you see that tough love is not working at home, it may be time to consider residential placement (placement outside the home). Quality residential placements work with the entire family.

While in the whirlwind of confusion, frustration and stress that the child is causing, it is hard to see the actual problem or problems. With time and distance, the healing starts to occur. Tough love is a very painful and stressful avenue, however in some families, very necessary and very rewarding. Tough love if used correctly can be helpful. However if you are the type to give in at the end, all the hard work of standing your ground will be for nothing. Actually, your weakness or giving in could result in deeper and more serious problems. Please confer with professionals or outside help if you feel you are not able to follow through with what you are telling your child you will do. Don't be ashamed to ask for help, you are certainly not alone.

Learn more about residential therapy at www.helpyourteens.com .

Be an educated parent, you will have a more peaceful home.

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Sue Scheff: Teens Smoking Cigarettes on the Decrease

Are we finally seeing peer pressure in a positive direction? A new government survey finds that more kids are smoking marijuana, abusing prescription drugs and using smokeless tobacco than a decade ago. But there is one area of abuse that is going down dramatically- cigarettes. (Connect with Kids)

There can be many factors for this, and it would be nice to know if kids are just telling kids that smoking is not cool. Other reasons could be the accessibility has become more difficult. Either way, it is a good news that smoking cigarettes among kids are decreasing.

Research shows that a vast majority of smokers began when they were children or teenagers. While recent legislation has helped reduce smoking, it still remains an important health concern. Consider the following statistics from the U.S. Surgeon General:

• Approximately 80 percent of adult smokers started smoking before the age of 18.
• More than 5 million children living today will die prematurely because of a decision they make as adolescents - the decision to smoke cigarettes.
• Nearly all first uses of tobacco occur before high school graduation.
• Most young people who smoke are addicted to nicotine and report that they want to quit but are unable to do so.
• Tobacco is often the first drug used by young people who use alcohol and illegal drugs.
• Among young people, those with poorer grades and lower self-image are most likely to begin using tobacco.
• Young people who come from low-income families and have fewer than two adults living in their household are especially at risk for becoming smokers.

If your teen is smoking, encourage them to join an anti-smoking group. If you are a smoker, you should consider quitting with your teen. Teens want boundaries, even if their actions speak otherwise, our children need boundaries. Talking about why smoking is bad for them, as well as the serious health issues that come with tobacco, it is important that you don't stop reminding them of this. Even if you think they aren't listening, they are.

Reference: Fewer Kids Smoking, Connect with Kids

Florida Quitline - Be proactive in helping your teen quit smoking.

Be an educated parent, you will have healthier teens. Also on Examiner.