Teens and Tattoos

Between piercings and tattoos, parents are finding themselves facing another issue to discuss with their teens. What do you do when your teens wants a tattoo or a piercing in a less than desirable area?

Tattoos are permanent, so spur of the moment decisions to get a tattoo are never a good idea. Even when the decision has been made for quite some time, there may still be good reasons to reconsider.

Here are ten of the ways that people use to try and convince someone not to get a tattoo.

1. Pain – There is pain involved in getting a tattoo. How much pain will depend on where it is located on the body, the size of the tattoo and the pain tolerance level of the person receiving the tattoo. If the person has a low pain tolerance, emphasizing the pain involved in the process, and the time needed to complete the tattoo can sometimes be enough to get them to change their mind.
2. Cost – Tattoos are not inexpensive, especially at the best shops. In addition, the cost of having one removed if you should change your mind about it in the future will be even more costly. Is a little bit of colored skin really worth that much money?
3. Social impact – Not everyone has an appreciation for the art of tattooing. Your tattoo may negatively impact future relationships, both personal and in the employment/business arena. The cost of that is impossible to gauge.
4. Bad results – What if it doesn’t turn out looking like you expected it too? Not everyone is happy with the results they receive from a tattoo artist. It doesn’t grow out like a bad haircut.
5. Personality changes – What is appealing to you now may not be in 5, 10 or 20 years. Everyone’s personality continues to evolve with their life experience and level of maturity. What you will be like in the future is impossible to predict.
6. Lifestyle changes – A tattoo may fit perfectly with your current lifestyle, but just as with personality, lifestyles change. Having to deal with trying to cover or explain the ‘fashion’ of your past could be something you’d rather avoid.
7. Body changes – Ten years could mean adding or losing twenty pounds or more. With those changes in weight, the look of a tattoo is going to change too, in a negative way.
8. Infection – In spite of precautions, infections do still occur. That can mean medical costs and disfigurement of the tattoo. Do you really want to risk that?
9. Disease – It is possible to transfer incurable diseases like Hepatitis C with tattoo needles. You’re trusting in the word of your tattooist that the needles are sterile. In addition, tattoo ink is not regulated by the FDA. You have no idea what might be in that stuff that is going into your skin.
10. Aged tattoos – Show them some pictures of people who have carried their tattoos on their body for a lifetime that are no longer colorful or appealing on their 70-80 year old bodies. Is that what they want to look like when they’re a grandparent?

In reality, you may not be able to convince a person not to get a tattoo with these arguments, but they should at least encourage them to think it through more carefully. It is their body and their life, but often times tattoos done in youthful years are regretted later on in life. Sometimes convincing them to simply wait a few years will be more effective than trying to convince them not to get a tattoo at all.

Source: Best Dating Sites

Tattoo laws for teens under 18 vary from state to state, and in some cases even from city to city. According to Florida Tatto Laws:
(3) No body of a minor shall be tattooed without the written notarized consent of the parent or legal guardian.

Be an educated parent, you will have healthier teens.

Parent Empowerment Blog Selected as Top 20 Blogs and Websites for Parents and Teens

For over a decade I have been helping parents with struggling teens after my own challenges with my teenager.  Back in the time when the Internet was in its' infancy, there wasn't a lot of information to be out here yet.  Now it seems there are literally thousands, if not millions of sites and bloggers with every click of a mouse.

With this, I am so flattered and honored to be selected in the list of of top 20 blogs and websites, not only once, but for two of my sites.  This one and www.suescheffblog.com which I created only several years ago.

I want to personally thank the team at Wilderness Ventures for believing in my work and understanding my passion for what I do.

Here is there recent press release as well as the other top sites and blogs that are all tremendous!!!

Wilderness Ventures, the oldest and most experienced adventure travel program offering teen summer camps, is announcing their choices for the “Top 20 Blogs and Websites for Parents with Teens” for 2013. The blogs and websites selected by Wilderness Ventures are being honored for their innovative and creative content as well as their ability to offer parents and teens a personal connection and invaluable virtual resources.

Team members at Wilderness Ventures scoured the web to find bloggers that demonstrated practicality, creativity, personal engagement and fun in their blog while offering unique perspectives on being a parent of young children or teenagers. Criteria such as design, helpful tips and pointers, level of engagement, number of followers, and more, were factored into the final selection process.

Wilderness Ventures, who has offered teen adventure camps for more than 40 years, believes that active personal engagement and communication between parents and their teenage children are important factors for parents whose job is to teach the next generation of young adults. For this reason, Wilderness Ventures is choosing to recognize blogs and websites that they feel promote interpersonal connection between teens and their parents as well as shared resources between parents.  

The list of top 20 blogs and websites for parents with teens included here, in no particular order:

http://parentingteens.about.com/

http://blogs.wsj.com/juggle/

http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/

http://parentempowerment.blogspot.com/

http://www.radicalparenting.com/

http://raisingteensblog.com/

http://blog.anniefox.com/

http://www.talkingteenage.com/blog/

http://sarahnewton.com/c/blog/

http://serendipitymommy.com/

http://pluggedinparents.blogspot.com/

http://goodenoughmothering.com/

http://www.parenthood.com/index.php

http://www.teentraveltalk.com/

http://parentingteensresourcenetwork.org/

http://www.suescheffblog.com/

http://www.theonlinemom.com/main_cmt.asp

http://www.commonsensemedia.org/

http://www.tweenparent.com/

About Wilderness Ventures:

With more than 21,000 student alumni, Wilderness Ventures has pioneered outdoor adventures for young adults and has paved the way for youth travel around the world.  Their 40 years of experience, unwavering values of community, inter-personal growth, wholesome environments, safety, wilderness education, discovery, conservation, and exploration have led to their unmatched and trusted reputation. Wilderness Ventures currently holds special permits to operate their teen adventure camps in 20 National Parks and 17 designated wilderness areas with special permits.

Watch their video here.

Teens and Money: Financial Literacy

Holidays are here, people are spending money.


What role model are you setting for your kids?


Approximately fifteen hundred high school seniors were recently asked basic facts about personal finance, and the great majority were stumped for answers. The results were not promising for our children’s future:

REALITY CHECK: 95% of teens surveyed scored below a C in financial literacy.

Wonder why? Another survey finds a key reason for teens’ low financial scores:

REALITY CHECK: 80% of all college freshman admit to never having a conversation with their parents about managing their money. What’s more, almost one in four of these same teens say it’s just fine to blow as much as $500 without checking in with their parents. 

The findings are hardly a proud parenting moment, but I also hope you are starting to get my drift.

The truth is too many kids are flunking financial literacy and one big reason may be that we’ve failed to teach our children a few essential “money smart lessons.”
If you’re concerned about your kids’ future spending habits, then start your money talk now and there’s no better time than these next few weeks. Newspapers will be filled with coupons and penny savers. Television ads for holidays “deals” will air non-stop. Teen magazines will feature those supposed holiday “in” gadgets and “must have” items. Those are also perfect opportunities to let your kids know that money doesn’t come easy. It’s also the time to review that  you do have clear expectations and limits about your family’s spending during the holidays. Here are a few ways to weave in those crucial money chats over the coming weeks with your kids.
Kids look to us as the example to copy so how are you doing in modeling money smarts to your children? Are your kids seeing you cut out those coupons? Waiting for the right price?
Displaying smart spending habits? Prioritizing your must-haves? Beware that your children learn spending and saving habits from you. How are you doing?

• Monitor TV Consumption:  Television is the one of the biggest culprits in fueling kids’ spending urges, and commercials are relentless in trying to get kids to buy, buy, buy. Research also shows that media impacts our children’s money attitudes and increases materialism. During the next few weeks those retailers will be pushing products and urging your kids to spend. So beware of those advertisements! Do take time to explain to your kids the real intention of those advertisers.
• Use Real-Life Examples:  Take your child shopping with you. I dare ya! But when–or if–you do, show him how you compare prices. Explain to her how you look for bargains. Use those outings as teaching moments that do instill good shopping habits.
• Teach Bargain Hunting:  If your kids are purchasing gifts for siblings (or even you!) get them involved inchecking out those penny saver ads. Have them clip out coupons. Tune your kids into the bargains at those dollar stores. Hit the outlet malls, and don’t overlook thrift stores and even garage sales. And tell them to watch for sales! Grandma will never know if her present was ten dollars less because Johnny waited to buy until sales day.
• Cut Impulsive Shopping:  Set a household rule that your child must write down any pricier intended purchase, and then postpone buying it for at least twenty-four hours. It’s a great way to teach kids to delay gratification and to “Think” before spending. A younger kid can draw it  on her “wish list.”The wait time could vary from an hour or day to a week or month depending on the  child’s age and maturity.  If your kid loses interest before the time is up, even she will agree that she didn’t really want that item after all.
• Teach “Wants vs. Needs”:  This is the “Gotta Have It NOW Generation” so a big step in helping today’s kids learn to be smart spenders is teaching the difference between “want it…” vs. “need it.” The trick is to get your kids to assess what they already have that is still in good shape and can be recycled, what’s missing and then what’s really needed is on the “need” list and holiday request list. Now your kids can create a holiday wish list based on real needs not wants to help prioritize spending.
• Do One Store Shopping to Boost Consumer Skills: Your kids planning to do their own holiday shopping? If so, this is a great way to help teach them consumer skills. Consider choosing just one store that has the best bargains to take the kids this year (like Wall Mart, Target, K-Mart) for their gift-buying. By announcing, “We’re shopping only at this store,” the kids are forced to look for the best bargains in one place and you won’t find yourself driving to multiple stores (and bringing back multiple items). This is also the time for them to bring their coupons and shopping lists. Make sure you also have them compare prices of items so they understand value.
• Consider After-Holidays Gift Buying:  Seriously! I know more families who realize the best deals are December 26. Those parents set a new rule: “You receive a few items under the tree but wait for that pricier item the day after the holidays.” The kids learn to appreciate the value of a good deal, the parents are grateful to save a ton of money, and the whole family enjoys that day after shopping outing for everyone’s “one special–and better-priced-gift.”

Special contributor:  Parenting Expert, Dr. Michele Borba


Join me on Facebook  and follow me on Twitter for more information and educational articles on parenting today's teenagers.

Michele Borba is the author of over 25 parenting books including The Big Book of Parenting Solutions.

Teens Struggling in School

As second semester is progressing, and faster than we realize, our High School teenagers are not recognizing how important these years are to getting into a good college or university.


It is a fact, not all kids are designed to go to college, some are very good at vocational trades, and that is a great direction too – as long as they have a direction.

However if you see that your once A-B student is barely getting C’s and D’s it is time to find out what is going on.

• Talk to your teen
• Talk to his/her guidance counselor
• Talk to his/her teachers
• Who are your teen’s friends now? Are they also failing?
• What has changed?
• Why are they spiraling to a destructive level?

This list could go on forever, but at the end of the day, it is about getting your teen back on track.  Especially if you have a 16-17 year old, you have limited time to get them back on the positive road.

Have you tried therapy, which in many cases can lead to a dead end since your teen doesn’t seem to see the issue – have you tried support groups?  Talked to your member of your church or community or friends that have been there?

Once you have exhausted all local resources it may be time for outside help, residential therapy.  This doesn’t mean your teen needs to be in a place where there are hard-core kid – quite the contrary, you need to find a school or program that helps stimulate your teen in a positive direction.  Get them motivated again – but in a good way.

For more resources visit www.helpyourteens.com.

Sue Scheff: 50 Things Your Child Should Never Know

50 Things Your Child Should Never Know

Source: Nurse Practitioner Schools (There are 50 great tips from this Blog. I listed several, however encourage you to visit the site and read them all.)


Things Your Child Should Never Know for the Safety of the Family

Just because they can access it, doesn’t mean they know what to do with it. Keep your children from inadvertently putting your family in danger by concealing these items:

9. Your social security number. With no need to know this in the first place, a child with a parent’s social security number can do a lot of damage. Refrain from telling them unless there is a very good reason.

10. Your pin number. Even if you graced your child by using their birthday or date that is special to them, there is no reason to tell them your pin number. Anyone who happens to hear your child discussing this can use that information to clean out your bank accounts.

11. Hiding places of valuables. Don’t show them where you hide your valuables or even tell them that there is a hiding place, as they will look. If the child happens upon it, then it’s a good time to find a new hiding place.

12. How much the family is worth. Children who announce their families worth in a dollar amount can make an attractive target to predators. If the child asks, provide vague answers such as “we’re doing okay” or “can’t complain.”

13. Vacation schedule. While it is true that the child is going on vacation with the family, it is important that the child not share that information with strangers. Let them know it is okay to tell teachers, trusted friends, etc. but not everyone needs to know.

14. Where the “adult” items are. Parents who entertain adult reading material, films, or items can expose their child to much confusion. A good idea is to keep it in a locked box and keep the key with you at all times.

15. How to access protected files. Most internet users carry at least some sensitive information on their hard drive such as bank statements or credit card bills. Be sure to keep these locked away and password protected so the child cannot view them.

Learn more at http://nursepractitionerschools.org/50-things-your-child-should-never-know/

Sue Scheff: High School “Slut List of 2010″: A Wake-Up Call For Another Troubling Youth Trends Sexual Harassment and Aggressive Girls

Michele Borba Blog: High School “Slut List of 2010″: A Wake-Up Call For Another Troubling Youth Trends Sexual Harassment and Aggressive

By Michele Borba

A high school “Slut List of 2010” is causing nationwide concern amongst educators and parents this week. The list featured almost two dozen names of 13 and 14 year old girls and three “honorable mentions,” who were incoming freshmen and was widely circulated amongst students at Millburn High School in New Jersey.

Among the sexually explicit details and highly derogatory comments (supplied by Millburn-ShortHillsPatch) are:

•“My friends practice giving head on me because I’m a man.”
•“ I’m so desperate and hairy that I’ll give you [drugs] for free if you get with me.”
•“I want it so bad I’ll beg you to stick it in.”
•“I (censored) like I blow the candles out on the menorah.”
•“Keeping up with the family tradition, [blank] me…. and knock me up.”
In addition to the “slut list” there are other allegations including freshmen being slammed into lockers and seniors blowing loud whistles into the targeted girls’ faces. The “prank” was made public after half a dozen parents complained (thank heavens) to school officials. School superintendent, Richard Brodow, e-mailed parents saying that hazing was not only against school policy “and just plain wrong.” (Interesting thing is that apparently this “slut list” is a high school tradition that “welcomes” incoming freshmen for the last 10 or 15 years. My, my, wouldn’t that make a kid feel like a welcome and safe?)

So what’s going on? It’s clear sexual harassment–intentional, mean, and aggressive behavior which can cause a victim (any girl on that list) severe anxiety and distress. But such an incident affects not only those victims, but an entire school body.

Such insidious incidents break down the foundation of a “safe and caring learning environment” and destroy the fiber that creates a moral community and can create for its victim and bystanders a hostile environment.

But there are also a few parenting wake-up calls here—lessons to be learned because such incidents are not just happening at this high school. So let’s add a few more concerning details so we recognize a few disturbing youth trends:

Wake Up Call #1: The infamous “slut-list” was generated by senior girls at a “sleep-over.” It was girls who also distributed the list and senior girls on the soccer team who blew the whistles into the freshmen’s faces and pushed them into the lockers. Parenting Lesson: Research finds that the “sugar and spice” gender is not only no longer always “nice” but also becoming more violent and aggressive. This is a growing and disturbing trend that is not just happening at this high school. Let’s raise our daughters to be assertive but respectfully so.

Wake Up Call #2. Many of the students at that high school reported to the press that the incident is getting far too much press and has been blown “way out of proportion.” The whole slut-list thing they said was just meant to be “fun.” Oh really? Fun? Slamming younger girls into lockers? Blowing whistles in their faces? Making them wear stickers on their backs that read: “Whore” or “Slut”? Fun?? Parenting Lesson: Watch out. Cruelty is learned and slowly becomes “acceptable” if it’s allowed to continued. Each cruel act becomes easier and what I see here is not only some of these students adopting the belief that “it’s cool to be cruel” but also losing touch with the feelings of those victims. There is nothing fun about peer intimidation or being slammed into a locker. How do you ever feel safe in such a school again?

Wake Up Call #3. Millburn High School is a top-ranked high school that was selected by Newsweek as one of the most prestigious high schools in the United States. It also happened at Essex County township, one of those Norman Rockwell kind of places to raise a family. Parenting Lesson: Moral intelligence that helps our kids become compassionate, respectful, know right from wrong and good citizens is a separate ability from mental aptitude. Make sure you are stressing both commodities. What good is a high SAT score or attending one of the top-ranked high schools in the nation if you graduate with only a strong mind void of a caring heart?

My definition of a safe and caring school is straight from CHEERS: “A place where everyone knows your name, and everyone’s glad you came.” I just can’t imagine any student–regardless of those high-ranking and multiple AP class option saying, “Yep, that’s my school.”

Let’s wise up folks and keep our eye on these trends. They are learned and can be turned around. This is not the way to raise the future citizens and should be a wake-up call to us all.

Michele Borba is the author of 23 parenting books including The Big Book of Parenting Solutions: 101 Answers to Your Everyday Challenges and Wildest Worries which includes dozens of practical, research-based ways to turn troubling trends such as insensitivity, bullying, and aggressiveness around.

MATERIALISTIC KIDS on the rise! Real Parenting Solutions to Troubling Youth Trends–What Parents Can Do to Fix It

Dr. Michele Borba, Parenting Expert and Today Show Contributor recently launched her BIG Book of Parenting Solutions. This is simply amazing, over 600 pages of sound advice, researched tips and helps you to be a better parent!

Here is an excerpt from her book and Blog.

REALITY CHECK: Sure, it’s a recession, but it doesn’t mean our kids still aren’t money conscious and it starts early. Almost two thirds of moms of toddlers admit their kids are already brand conscious. Today let’s take on the third in our series of troubling youth trends: MATERIALISM.

We’re all trying to save money these days, but tell that to the kids. They’re still trying to keep up with the latest trends, toys, and fashion. Despite our own money consciousness in today’s economic hardships, studies show our kids are still more materialistic than previous generations. Not only are kids more materialistic but they are also more brand conscious. Tighter times may put a damper on the wallet strings but their outlook on life still seems to be that fame & money is the golden ring to grab onto. But what’s especially troubling is a recent survey found that 89 percent of adults admit that kids are far more materialistic at younger ages than in years past.

Of course, we love our kids are want them to have the best. But money isn’t the answer. In fact, studies also show that the more materialistic the child, the less happy she is and the lower her self-esteem.

One of the 101 issues I address in The Big Book of Parenting Solutions is Materialism (as well as Selfish and Spoiled and Money). I’ll give you specific solutions based on the lastest research to help you turn this troubling trend around, and pronto. (Those of you with a copy of the book and following along on these makeovers with me turn ASAP to Money on page 559, roll up your sleeves and start parenting for this change).

As I wrote this book I devoured the best research and late-breaking studies to find only the best solutions for this troubling issues. I was fascinated with one study with tweens from the University of Minnesota in particular. So simple, so profound, and significant results! (What I called “Results-Driven Parenting.”)



~ BOOST KIDS INNER QUALITIES AND DON’T FOCUS ON THE MATERIAL QUALITIES

University of Minnesota researchers found a quick solution to turn materialism around is to compliment your child’s INSIDE qualities instead of focusing on appearance or things. Simple but effective. The more those sincere, genuine, and specific compliments were geared at the child’s “inside” strengths, the less the child had to focus on purchasing things to boost their “outside” appearance. (See The Big Book of Parenting Solutions page 185 for more specific tips and dozens of other solutions.)

So to start using this simple solution, find a real and deserved quality your child deserves recognition for (maybe she is respectful, kind or fair). And then start boosting it. The study found the more you focus on a child’s inside strengths, the less the kid needs to show off what he wears or has on the outside. Your goal:

~ TRY TO CONVEY THE MESSAGE TO YOUR CHILD: “WHO YOU ARE IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN WHAT YOU OWN”

Besides common sense parenting techniques of putting away your wallet, not being afraid to say no, spending more time than money on your kids, reducing the hoarding, and watching what you model, use the science-based technique from the University of Minnesota: praise your child’s inside qualities.

There are dozens of other simple, practical and proven solutions to counter this third troubling trend in The Big Book of Parenting Solutions. My goal is to offer dozens of strategies for you to try. Your job is to choose the one that works best for your family. And then please stick with it until you reap the change you seek. After all, your only barometer of good parenting is for your child to act right without you. That means you need to parent for REAL and LASTING CHANGE.

If you need any other reason to put away your wallet and work on turning your kid’s materialistic streak around, read this: The University of Minnesota found that materialistic kids are less happy, more anxious, less able to handle adversity, less generous and charitable and feel less secure and have lower self-esteem. And materialistic kids have lower opinions of their parents and argue with them more.

Stay tuned. We’re taking on another troubling youth trend in the next blog. Meanwhile, go start complimenting your child’s inside strengths.

Visit http://www.micheleborba.com/

Sue Scheff: Empowering Parents with Mommy Perks!

Mommy Perks website offers so many great parenting giveaways, ideas, resources and much more!

Their Monthly Giveways are always very timely. This month the free book giveaway is - Your Big Sister's Guide to Surviving College - do you have a daughter going off to college? This may be a perfect gift!

Take the time to learn more about Mommy Perks and all they have to offer. Whether you are searching for gift ideas or surfing for up-to-date parenting ideas - Mommy Perks can boost your knowledge!

Sue Scheff: The BIG Book of Parenting Solutions - Coming soon!

As a Parent Advocate, I am a huge fan and friend of Michele Borba! I am very excited that her 23rd book will be released in September 2009.

Her first review is in - and it is outstanding!

The Big Book of Parenting Solutions: 101 Answers to Your Everyday Challenges and Wildest Worries

Publishers Weekly

Borba, author and Today Show regular, employs a cookbooklike approach in her latest volume: rather than read through the entire tome, parents can flip to topics pertinent to their family. Borba opens with a friendly overview, noting that contemporary parents feel more stressed and find their roles increasingly difficult (June Cleaver, she points out, didn’t have to deal with cyberbullying or Facebook). With characteristic wit, Borba identifies the “seven deadly parenting styles,” including helicopter, buddy, incubator, bandage, paranoid, accessory parenting (judging themselves by their kids’ accolades) and secondary parenting (relinquishing power to such outsiders as marketers or the media).

In nine sections on family, behavior, character, emotions, social scene, school, special needs, day-to-day and electronics, the author urges readers to roll up their sleeves and get back to basic, instinctual parenting. As she tackles 101 issues ranging from sibling rivalry, lying and peer pressure to cell-phone use and TV addiction, Borba helps readers identify the reason underlying the behavior or problem, and work with 10 essential principles of change. With her no-nonsense yet compassionate voice, Borba once again delivers an indispensable resource for parents of toddlers to 13-year-olds. (Sept.) Publishers Weekly

The Big Book of Parenting Solutions is available now for advance orders — on online stores or at Amazon.

Follow Michele Borba on Twitter @MicheleBorba

Sue Scheff: How to Talk To Your Kids About Layoffs

What a timely article by Parenting Expert, Dr. Michele Borba

By Michele Borba

I'm sure you've read those dismal reports about job insecurities: The U.S. unemployment rate is now at the highest level since 1993. In fact, more jobs were lost in 2008 than in any year since the end of World War II. We are stressed and worried and rightly so, but so too are our kids.

I've received a number of email queries lately from parents asking for guidance. Today's tough financial times are forcing many parents to answer very tough questions from their children.

"Why did you lose your job? Will we be able to eat out? What will I tell my friends? Will we still be able stay in our house? How can I go to college if you don't have a job?"

Parents tell me they are trying to avoid those heart-wrenching questions. They just can't face telling their kids they lost their job, may have to give up their house or can't go to college.

But keeping kids in the dark about something so serious as a job layoff is a huge mistake. First, children come equipped with built-in radar and notice those hushed conversations and pick up on your tension. They may even feel they somehow caused your stress. And hearing such an immensely personal family problem from anyone other than you is plain unfair and could well break down the trust between you and your child. Believe me, your children are far better off hearing this news straight from your mouth. Regardless of how difficult this is, the truth must be told.

So where do you begin such a tough topic as a job layoff or financial crisis to a child? Here are a few guidelines to get you started.


Prepare what you want to say. Doing so will help you feel more comfortable and seem less tense. And those are how you need to appear to your kids.

Be on the same page with your spouse. Your kids deserve to hear the same message from the two of you. Put those disagreements aside and put your kids front and center.

Find the least distracting time when all family members are present. Set aside enough time that allows your kids to ask as many questions as they need to ask.

Keep the explanation simple and age appropriate. Young children are literal so watch your terminology. "I lost my job," may make a kid wonder "So why don't you find it?" "I was fired" might mean someone is trying to shoot you. "I was let go" could be construed as why your friends didn't grab onto you tighter. Terms such as layoffs, recession, foreclosure, and downsizing confuse a teen. You might start with a question: "What have you heard?" or a simple explanation: "I don't have a job anymore so for a while we won't have as much money to pay for things."

Describe the potential impact on your family. Most kids' prime concern is how this personally affects them. So be honest and clear about any foreseeable changes. For instance: Dining out less. Not going to movies. More bag lunches. Less allowance.

Take their questions seriously. Answer each as best you can. You can always say you will get back to them with the answer. Take as much time as needed to talk about the situation.

Be prepared for any response. Some kids will shut down. Others might be angry or cry. This is not the time to discipline or try talking them out of their feelings. Acknowledge their pain, confusion, anger or hurt. Then tailor your response to their response.

Explain your plan and how you will look for new employment. Kids don't need a lengthy discussion so just briefly explain that you're seeking a new job and it may take awhile. Knowing that you have a "plan" (even if you have no idea what to do) helps kids feel secure.

Involve your kids so they feel they are part of the solution. Asking them for cost-cutting ideas to help your family reduce costs. For instance, mention that turning off the lights will conserve energy. Then ask them for other suggestions.

Keep the discussion going. A one-time talk won't be enough for your children to absorb what is happening. So let them know that you are available any time to discuss this or answer their questions.

Try to appear optimistic even in the worst-case scenario. Your children will be watching your behavior closely and take their lead from your attitude. Your aim is to give your kids the impression that you're confident everything will turn out for the best. (And that's even if you're a nervous wreck inside).


In difficult times it's often not what we say but how we say it that matters more. Children are usually far more resilient than we give them credit for. What they need most in any tough time is reassurance and security. Above all, they need to believe that you will get through these tough times together. Don't forget to take care of yourself especially during these times so you can take care of your kids.

Please pass on your ideas o how to help your children as well as your questions. I'm sure it would help other parents and I'd love to hear from you.

Follow Michele Borba on Twitter @MicheleBorba

Look for her new book - The BIG Book of Parenting Solutions!

Watch her on the Today Show here: http://micheleborba.ivillage.com/parenting/archives/2009/01/how-to-talk-to-your-kids-about.html

Sue Scheff: Annie Fox Parenting Blog

By Annie Fox

Thoughts about teens, tweens, parenting and this adventure of living on Earth in the 21st century.

When we say “That’s not my problem” what we usually mean is some variation of:

a) “Tough luck, buddy.”

b) “Couldn’t care less.”

c) ”Better you than me!”

d) “Karma’s a bitch, ain’t it?”

Pretty heartless stuff. And because callousness isn’t part of the standard definition of “good parent” many of us believe that when it comes to our children… su problemo es mi problemo. Isn’t that our biological imperative? To solve all of their problems so that their lives hum along without a hiccup? To guarantee through our tireless efforts that our offspring live a joyful existence 24/7 and are constantly bathed in the sunlight of public acceptance and approval?

Put it that way and it sounds like a twisted crock, doesn’t it? Our obsession with perfecting our kids’ imperfections and rushing in whenever we hear the faintest sigh of frustration is no measure of parental love or responsibility. The more we indulge in making their struggles our own the more we blur the line between love and control. That’s the best way I know to prevent them from developing self-confidence and self-sufficiency. (AKA the primary parenting objective)

I’ve got a massive marshmallow for a heart. So I know from almost 30 years of personal experience that no parent enjoys seeing their kid (of any age) struggling academically, physically, socially, emotionally, psychologically, financially. But the truth is, allowing kids, tweens and teens to deal with age-appropriate “problems” provides them the satisfaction of working things out for themselves this time. Better still it gives them the real confidence of knowing that in the future when something like this comes up again (and it will) they’ve got what it takes to deal with it. Parents who provide their kids with those kinds of learning experiences aren’t good parents… they’re great parents.

So, repeat after me: Her crooked tooth is not my problem. His complexion is not my problem. Nor is her shyness. Nor is his height. Nor is their level of popularity amongst their classmates or the way their so-called friends treat them. The fact that he doesn’t have the money to go with his friends to the new Harry Potter movie on opening day (because he spent it all on a new game last week) is not my problem. The fact that he’s annoyed because I won’t give him more money this month is not my problem. The fact that his friends are teasing him because is not my problem. The fact that he’s not talking to me and is barricaded is not my problem.

See… when you get into this, it becomes so much easier to see what isn’t your problem without losing one bit of love, affection or respect for your kids.

We all have so much on our plates these days. Wouldn’t it feel great to lighten our loads? You can start by giving yourself a break from trying to make your child and his/her life experience perfect. Of course, if you’d rather not, that’s cool. It’s not my problem.

Sue Scheff: The 9 Best Ways to Respond to Kids’ Mistakes So They’ll Be More Likely to Try Again and Again and Again

By Michele Borba

My child hates to make a mistake, and if he does he’s just devastated. I’ve probably not done the best job of responding. How should I help my son bounce back?

Dania M from Bolder Colorado

Of course we want our kids to succeed. And how we hate it when they fail. But the truth is life isn’t a bed of roses. Our kids will fail and suffer disappointments. An important parenting secret is helping our children learn how to bounce back from defeat and disappointments, and how we respond when they do does make a difference in how they learn to cope. Unfortunately all too many kids cut short their opportunities for success because they give up at the first sign of difficulty. If they see errors as indications that they are failures, eventually they are likely to stop trying. So one of the most common questions parents ask is: “What’s the best way to respond when my child makes a mistake?”

Here are nine, noncritical ways to respond to your child’s error from my upcoming book, The Big Book of Parenting Solutions. (The most important parenting solution is the one listed ninth.)

1. Offer support only when needed – “I’m here for you if you need help” — but avoid the temptation to do the task for your child. Your child needs to build confidence that he can figure out the problem for himself.

2. Help your child see that mistakes are chances to learn. Ask, “What did you learn so that you won’t make the same mistake again?”

3. Stay nonjudgmental and help your child focus on what she’s trying to achieve. Don’t criticize, but do calmly ask, “How did you want this to turn out?”

4. Help your child recognize that you believe he can succeed in his efforts. Say, “I know you can do it. Hang in there.”

5. Fight the temptation to say, “I knew that would happen” or “I told you so.” Instead try saying, “That’s interesting” or “That wasn’t what you had in mind, was it?”

6. Let your child watch you do the task again and again. Some children need to learn “by seeing” how to do the task correctly instead of hearing you tell them how to do it right.

7. Don’t yell, shame, criticize, judge, blame, or ridicule. Nobody (especially children!) likes to make mistakes, and everybody hates to be reminded of making them.

8. Teach your child an affirmation to bounce back. Select one phrase such as–“It doesn’t have to be perfect.” or “It’s OK to make a mistake.” or “Everybody makes mistakes.”–and then help your child practice saying it out loud several times for a few days. The more often she sees and hears it, the greater the chance she will remember to use it to encourage her to bounce back when she errors.

9. Stay calm, stay calm, stay calm! I know that sounds easier than it is, but the truth is our kids are watching our responses. How we act when our kids fail is often more important than what we say. So take a deep breath, Mom. See that failure as a learning opportunity.

Sue Scheff: 9 Sure-Fire Parenting Tips to Help Curb Sibling Rivalry

By Dr. Michele Borba

Most of us have such visions of our offspring being the world’s best buddies, but with kids living under the same roof some bickering is bound to be the outcome. The closer your kids are in age, the more likely the squabbles. While you can’t force your kids to like each other, there are ways to fend off some of those battles and some skills you can teach that will minimize jealousies, help them appreciate one another, so they are more apt to get along (and just maybe learn to like each other).

Here are a few solutions:

Expect it! Studies show that one third of adults admit to having a rivalrous relationship with their sibs. Those squabbles are normal and healthy to a certain extent. Investigations now show that minor sibling tiffs actually help kids learn to handle conflicts and deal with the outside world better.

Tune into your parenting responses. Be honest. Might you be playing favorites or putting too much pressure on one kid or another? Do you: Expect more of one child? Give one kid more attention? Take sides? Encourage rivalry in academics, sports, or popularity by acknowledging one kid over another? Pay equal attention to each child’s hobbies, friends, school, and interests? Distribute chores, rewards, and opportunities fairly?

Never compare! Research repeatedly finds that the top reason for sibling rivalry is when parents compare their children. Make this be your sacred vow: Avoid comparisons and emphasize each child’s individual strengths instead.

Find time alone for each child. Depending on your schedule, set aside blocks of time when each of your children can have your attention, exclusively. While the other siblings are gone or another adult watches them, take turns taking each of the children on special outings, such as shopping, seeing a movie, or getting ice cream.

Acknowledge cooperation. When you notice your children sharing or playing cooperatively or trying to resolve issues peacefully, let them know you are proud of their behavior. If the children know you appreciate their efforts, they are more inclined to repeat them. “I really appreciate how you two worked things out calmly this time. Good for you.” “I noticed how you both made an effort to help each other figure out how to put the DVDs away. Nice job.”

Stay neutral. Most research finds that the more involved you get in those tiffs, the more likely the sibling rivalry. Siblings need to learn how to work problems out on their own. So intervene when emotions are high, before an argument escalates. If the conflict does get heated, stay neutral and make suggestions only when your kids seem stuck.

Let each kid tell the story. In the case of hurt feelings or a battle, ask each kid to take turns explaining what happened. Doing so helps each child (especially a younger or less verbal one) feel they have been heard. No interrupting is allowed, and everyone gets a turn. You might need to set a timer for “equal talking time.” When the sibling is finished, briefly restate her view to show you do understand.

Teach kids problem solving skills. Do teach your kids simple ways to solve their problems. Some of the best are “oldie but goodie” techniques that reduce squabbles such as: rock, paper, scissors; drawing straws, tossing a coin, oven timers (“You can use it until the timer goes off, then it’s my turn”), tossing a dice (“Highest number chooses first”). They are great sanity savers for now, but also teach beginning negotiation skills our kids will need for later.

Start family meetings. Don’t let animosity build up amongst siblings. It only lead to more conflicts and resentment. Instead, provide the opportunity for each child to be able to express their feelings and concerns and work through issues considered unfair such as in Family meetings. Some families set up a “Concern Box” where kids can request a “mediation” with the family member and parent present to help them work things out.

The secret is to find a way for kids to vent their feelings in a healthy way and not let them build into rivalry.

Sue Scheff: Tips for Dealing with Friendship Challenges

Recently I was introduced to Annie Fox (via digital of course) and was so impressed at her knowledge, educational resources, books and Blogs for parents today.


Here is one of her articles on Tips for Dealing with Friendship Challenges with your teens:


Just as we did when they were toddlers, we need to continue teaching our middle and high school kids what it means to be a good friend (on both sides of the equation). We also need to encourage them to stand up for themselves when they’re not being treated with respect. These tips can help you help your son/daughter navigate through a friendship challenge.

1.Show that you get it. Acknowledge that it hurts when someone betrays you—especially when a trusted friend turns against you. Reflect back what you hear, “You sound really hurt, angry, and confused.” Share a “hurt by a friend” story from your own teen years. Hopefully you can also share what you learned from that situation and how you used it to become a stronger, more thoughtful person. This models empathy and also reassures your child that (s)he will survive.

2.Calm down. Before moving toward the conflict resolution steps (3 and 4) your child needs to de-stress and you may need to also. No matter what awful thing someone has done to your kid, calming down first makes it easier to get through the upset.

3.What can/can’t you control? Point out the reality: You can’t control a friend’s behavior or feelings, but you can get a handle on your own. When talking about the choices other people make, one very wise 12-year at one of my events said, “My grandma says that stuff is just out of your hands.” Exactly right. And if you try to control things that you can’t control, it’s only going to stress you out more. Don’t let your kid go there!

4.Your child has options! Even after a fight, (s)he’s far from powerless. If, for example, a friend has turned into an enemy, your child’s options for dealing with the situation might include:

A.Talk to another trusted friend about the situation and get her opinion/advice
B.Talk directly to the wayward friend and tell her how what she did makes you feel
C.Don’t ever talk to that friend again
D.Get back at her by getting other people to turn against her
E.Forget about the hurt and act like it didn’t bother you
F.Find some new friends

Brainstorming at this point should be open-ended. Even though you might hear an option that immediately smacks as a “terrible” idea, don’t say anything.

5.Evaluate the choices. Only after your child lists several options is it time for him/her (not you) to evaluate them.

You: Take option D, for example. What’s likely to happen as a result of choosing that one?
Teen (thinking aloud): The whole grade will probably take sides. Then things will turn into this huge mess.

You: Will that help heal the friendship? Will it create more or less stress for you and others?
Teen: Uh… not really, and more.

You: I agree. Now, what about Option E? What might happen if you go with that one?
Teen: My friend might think that because I didn’t say anything that I didn’t mind. Which is so not true!

You: Will that build more trust in the friendship? Help you get more respect?
Teen: Obviously not.

Thinking about potential consequences is incredibly valuable to adolescents because they often react without first reflecting. Even discussing the worst, retaliatory knee-jerk options offer great (and totally safe) learning opportunities.

With your support in considering options (and without worrying that you’ll rush in and try to “fix” her problem) her thinking process will be accelerated. Hopefully, she’ll also move closer to the time when she no longer tolerates disrespectful behavior from any friend or so-called friend.

Sue Scheff: Do Your Know Your Teens Friends?

Source: TangerineTimes

One of the more nerve-racking part of raising teenagers is their friends. That’s because friends are profoundly influential to our kids. And, sometimes they look and act funny and as a parent you just don’t know what to think. No longer are WE the main source of information and influence (although I’d like to think the influence we wield is stronger - forgive me if I’m delusional)

Giving this some thought, I decided to research the subject and I put my comments in italics next to the “experts”. Here are the changes from tween to teen (when it comes to friendships):

They spend more time with their peers/in person and online (that would include 1000’s of texts that burn up a cell phone)

They are more mobile than when younger so more time is spent with peers without parental supervision (God help me when ALL the friends have a driver’s license, I may just have to be committed)

Increased contact with opposite-sex peers (It’s good you say? Yes, you’re right for girls, not so much for boys - see below. Heck, we don’t have much control over this any way)

In the early teen years, small groups of friends or cliques are formed which can help or hurt depending on your child’s association. ( I read this and all I could think of was the “Mean Girls” )

Another feature of the teen years is the emergence of crowds. Teens use crowds to figure out who to associate with. Crowds help teens sort peers into groups of people they would like to spend time with and those they wouldn’t. Through crowds and cliques, teens show other people who they are. (OK, this one doesn’t exactly make sense - what about the huge number of grown men who attend stadium- sporting events?)

Read entire article here: http://tangerinetimes.com/2009/05/do-you-know-your-teens-friends/#more-1065

Sue Scheff: Teens and Summer Jobs and Tips

A Guide for Teens: How to Find a Summer or Part-Time Job
by Randall S. Hansen, Ph.D.

Even if summer vacation is still a few months away for most teens, now is the time to plan and lay a foundation for landing that cool summer job you really want.

Some caveats: This article is really geared to older high school and college teens, with a focus on summer jobs, not internships. For younger teens (under 15), check out another article I wrote, Job Ideas for Teens 15 and Younger: Beyond Babysitting. For college students looking for internship tips, we’re working on such an article, but for now, please visit: Quintessential Careers: College Internship Resources.

The Action Plan for Teens Wanting a Summer JobThe first step you need to do is decide on the summer job you want or need -– in terms of the type of job, the location, the hours, the pay. You may not be able to find a job that meets all your needs, but given the current employment situation you should strive to find one that meets as many as possible.

The second step you need to do is complete a self-analysis. What do you have to offer an employer? What kind of skills do you have? What kind of other work have you done -– paid or volunteer? What have you learned at school that might be useful in your ideal summer job?

The third step you need to do is develop a resume. You will put forth a very professional image if you present a professional-looking resume to potential employers. You’ll want to visit Quintessential Careers: Resume Resources. You’ll also need to learn about cover letters, so plan on visiting Quintessential Careers: Cover Letter Resources.

The fourth step you need to do is use all your available resources to land that ideal summer job. Talk with your parents and older family members, your friends’ parents, your teachers, and any other adults you know and ask them if they have any contacts at your ideal job’s company. Give them copies of your resume. We call this step networking, and it will give you the highest chances of landing your ideal job.

The fifth step is hitting the pavement, reading the newspaper want ads, and/or surfing the Web. If you don’t get any job leads from the fourth step, you have to take action!

The sixth step is applying for the jobs that interest you. This step is where you again use your resume. Make sure you are familiar with job applications and have all the information you need to complete them.

The seventh step is interviewing for the jobs. Make sure you know something about the company; develop answers to common interview questions; think of a few questions you could ask; practice, practice, practice with a family member of friend; dress conservatively for the interview. You can read these interviewing tips in more detail — and find lots more — by visiting Quintessential Careers: Interviewing Resources.

Where Teens can Find Summer JobsThere are any number of places where you can look for a good summer job:

Local merchants: local stores often need good help – and not just in the summer.

Small businesses: most towns have a number of small business offices – and your family or friends probably know several owners or office managers.

Corporate offices: many have established summer jobs and internship programs, but often these are the most competitive.

Stores at the mall: have a favorite store you like to shop at in the mall? Maybe now is the time to get a job there –- just be careful not to spend all your earnings buying their products.
Hotels and resorts: summer is the busy season for most hotels and resorts.

Tourist attractions: even if you don’t live in Florida or California, most states have tourist attractions that especially need help during the busy tourism season.

Golf & Tennis clubs: as the weather improves, these clubs are usually looking for part-time help.
Grocery stores: maybe not the most exciting jobs, but probably the most convenient -– and not just for summer.

Fast food and restaurants: local restaurants always need good help -– and while not the most glamorous, it’s still a job.

Parks and recreation departments: city, state, and national parks and recreation departments often develop special summer programs, and thus have job opportunities.

Local government summer job programs: often various government agencies sponsor different kinds of summer youth work programs.

Summer camps: okay, you went to camp as a kid – now you can go back as a counselor and get paid while being at camp.

Working for yourself: there are all sorts of jobs/businesses you could develop for yourself in your neighborhood –- Check out my article, Job Ideas for Teens 15 and Younger: Beyond Babysitting.
The Web: especially if you want to work outside your neighborhood, or even your state, the Web is the place for you to explore all sorts of summer job opportunities -– so go visit Quintessential Careers: Summer Job Websites.

What do Employers Look for in TeensEmployers want motivated teens who are going to arrive to work on time, have a positive attitude, work hard, work well with others, show leadership qualities, work their full shift, and do the best job they can. You need to show your employer that you are a good investment, both for the current position, as well as for any potential future positions.

Final Words of AdviceJobs are jobs. You are going to have to work, no matter how “cool” the job or company, so be prepared for some days to not be as great as others. The keys to remember are that you are earning money, you are gaining experience, and you are making good contacts (and references)!

Questions about some of the terminology used in this article? Get more information (definitions and links) on key college, career, and job-search terms by going to our Job-Seeker’s Glossary of Job-Hunting Terms.

Dr. Randall S. Hansen is founder of Quintessential Careers, one of the oldest and most comprehensive career development sites on the Web, as well CEO of EmpoweringSites.com. He is also founder of MyCollegeSuccessStory.com and EnhanceMyVocabulary.com. He is publisher of Quintessential Careers Press, including the Quintessential Careers electronic newsletter, QuintZine. Dr. Hansen is also a published author, with several books, chapters in books, and hundreds of articles. He’s often quoted in the media and conducts empowering workshops around the country. Finally, Dr. Hansen is also an educator, having taught at the college level for more than 15 years. Visit his personal Website or reach him by email at randall(at)quintcareers.com.

Reprinted with permission; copyright Quintessential Careers

Sue Scheff: Parenting helping parents

As with my organization, Parents’ Universal Resource Experts, I created it to help other parents that are struggling with today’s teens. After going through a difficult time with my own teenage daughter, I made some major mistakes, however I wanted others to learn from my mistakes: more important - gain from my knowledge. I firmly believe that parents helping parents and parents learning from other parents firsthand - can be priceless!

Rhonda Spellman is a proud mother of a beautiful son - who happens to have autism. She has made it her mission in life to share with other parents and expanded her information into wonderful children’s books.

Here are some of her parenting tips and please take a moment to visit her website.

Quick tips: 9 Keys of Parenting

Children with Asperger’s Syndrome benefit from an environment that helps to build upon their strengths and builds their confidence and self esteem. What interests them? Help them to gain greater knowledge about their areas of abilities and interest. This helps to build their confidence.

To help them develop their social skills it is a good idea to talk with them frequently, inquiring how they feel about certain situations. Vary their exposure to a wide range of experiences. Observe their reaction to each and talk about their feelings.

Was the trip at the park better than the trip to the mountains? Why? What made one better or worse than the other? Try to avoid large crowds, too much noise and too many sensory impulses at one time. People with Asperger’s Syndrome are simply unable to assimilate too many variables at one time and you are setting them up for a ‘meltdown.’

It helps a person with Asperger’s Syndrome to broaden their interests and topics of conversation. Try introducing something new and different, in small steps and in small time slots. For example, visit a new location that offers a perspective that may enhance an ability they already possess. Go to a new planetarium if astronomy is “their thing.” Different settings can help them to learn what is and what isn’t socially appropriate.

Keep in mind that it is a critical element to ensure that they are in a safe, supportive, and strength-based group setting. Children with Asperger’s Syndrome unfortunately tend to act out inappropriately and become targets for bullies.

Because children with Asperger’s Syndrome are already fearful or otherwise resistant to socially interact with others it is paramount to begin working on their social skills as early as possible. They already have difficulty communicating with others and are often excluded in their schools by their peers because they appear “different” or “weird.” Involving them in small group settings in a familiar environment not only exposes them to “accepted” behaviors but it also gives them a feeling of acceptance among their peers.

*At my house we often have as many as 11 extra neighborhood children playing in the backyard with my two boys. My almost eight-year-old son has Asperger’s Syndrome. My just turned six-year-old son does not. They both are involved with the play at times. Sometimes my older son is an observer… and that’s okay. Sometimes he prefers to just play in the sandbox or paint with sidewalk chalk. *He gets the chalk wet and “paints” wonderful pictures.

I make popsicles by the dozen and the children take turns passing them out. I am firm on fairness and each knows the unwritten rule that no one is ever left out. Yes, the extra children can be exhausting… yes, the extra children can make a mess… yes, making the popsicles takes some time and it costs me a few extra dollars… Can I afford the extra time and effort? The way I see it: The interaction for my son is therapy I can’t afford NOT to do!

A child with Asperger’s self esteem is greatly enhanced when they are given opportunities to participate with and / or help others. Allowing them to pitch in and help with chores and to have responsibilities is a great start. Making sure that they are recognized and rewarded is the second step. Watching them grow into happy, stable and productive people is the always the goal.
I learn from my very different boys every day. I aim to teach them to love and accept those differences, in each other and in all others, every day.