Sue Scheff: Teen Dating Abuse

With the recent gang rape of a 15 year-old girl in Richmond, California, our country is awakening to one of the ugliest forms of abuse to teens. Sexual abuse, assault and rape of teens are horrendous and more attention needs to be brought on this subject.

Teen dating violence and abuse is an issue parents need to be aware of and learn more about. Love is Not Abuse is an organization that was founded in 1991 by Liz Claiborne Inc. Everyone needs to take the time to be an educated parent; you will have a safer teen.

Love is Not Abuse posted an informational letter from an expert on Teen Dating Abuse. Please learn more now and explore their website for more resources.

A Letter to Parents on Teen Dating Abuse from Pediatrician and Expert, Dr. Elizabeth Miller

Dear Parents/Guardians/Educators,

As a physician who specializes in care for adolescents, a researcher on teen dating abuse, and a parent of a teen, I am often asked by other parents to talk about the warning signs of dating abuse, what parents should be looking for, and how they can help their child navigate out of an unhealthy relationship. Unfortunately, there are no easy answers to these questions.

A Common Characteristic

A common characteristic of unhealthy and abusive relationships is the control that the abusive partner seeks to maintain in the relationship. This includes telling someone what to wear, where they can go, who they can hang out with, calling them names, humiliating them in front of others. Over time, the isolation from one's social network increases, as the abuser insists on spending time "just the two of us," and threatens to leave or cause harm if things do not go the way they want, "You must not love me."

Creating this isolation and dissolution of one's social supports (loss of friends, disconnectedness from family) are hallmarks of controlling behaviors. In addition, abusers often monitor cell phones and emails, and for example, may threaten harm if the response to a text message is not instant.

Parents are rarely aware of such controlling tactics as these occur insidiously over time, and an adolescent may themselves not recognize the controlling, possessive behaviors as unhealthy. "They must love me because they just want to spend time with me."

Warning Signs

While the following non-specific warning signs could indicate other concerning things such as depression or drug use, these should also raise a red flag for parents and adult caregivers about the possibility of an unhealthy relationship:

•no longer hanging out with his/her circle of friends
•wearing the same clothing
•distracted when spoken to
•constantly checking cell phone, gets extremely upset
when asked to turn phone off
•withdrawn, quieter than usual
•angry, irritable when asked how they are doing
•making excuses for their boyfriend/girlfriend
•showering immediately after getting home
•unexplained scratches or bruises

Sexual coercion and violence are also not uncommon in teen dating abuse. Again, because of the emotional abuse and control, victims of sexual violence may be convinced that they are to blame for what has happened. "You'd do this if you loved me" or "If you don't have sex with me, I'll leave you" are common examples of sexual coercion. In some instances, girls in abusive relationships describe how their partners actively tried to get them pregnant. Rarely do teens disclose such sexual abuse to their parents as they may feel shameful, guilty, and scared. Parents need to be aware of the possibility of sexual abuse, and to ensure that they communicate with their child that they are never to blame if someone tries to make them do things sexually that they don't want to do. And certainly, that no one ever has the right to put their hands on them, period. The physical and sexual violence can escalate quickly in these unhealthy relationships where the abusive partner has significant control over the other.

Advice for Parents

Perhaps the best advice for parents is to start talking about what constitutes a healthy, respectful relationship early on with your child. Sharing the warning signs of teen dating abuse with your child and saying, "If you know someone who's experiencing something like this, let's talk about it, let's talk about how you can be a good friend and help them stay safe." Please assure your child that they are not to blame for an unhealthy relationship, and that you are available to help them be safe and happy. Please avail yourself of the many good resources available on teen dating abuse for youth and adults.

For more information on teen dating violence and abuse: Stop It Now, MADE Coalition, Love is Respect, S.A.A.R.A., Rachel Simmons (Huffington Post).

Also on Examiner.com

Sue Scheff: Teen Gang Rape, Teen Sexual Abuse

This is not a subject many are comfortable talking about, however it is imperative that we learn about protecting ourselves and our teens. The recent news out of Richmond, CA about the gang rape of a 15 year-old girl, is outrageous. As parents, we need to be educated so we can better protect our own children and teach them about prevention.

This past August, I wrote an article about Teens that Inspire which included Joni Nicole Poole. 18-year old Joni Poole is not only a survivor of sexual abuse, she is a voice! She has created an organization, S.A.A.R.A. (Sexual Abuse Assault and Rape Awareness) to share her story, offer resources and let other victims know they are not alone.

According to S.A.A.R.A. the statistics for sexual abuse are frightening.

Due to the secretive nature of sexual crimes and the inability for members of society to talk about these crimes; many believe that sexual crimes are a rare occurrence. The unfortunate reality is that 1 out of 3 girls and 1 out of 5 boys are victims or will become victims of a sexual crime before the age of 18. Nine years old is the median age of child sexual assault victims. Society holds beliefs that sexual crimes are committed by strangers, when in fact, 34% of sexual crimes involve a family member or caregiver. Members of society do not realize how often these crimes occur, how often they are over looked, and the toll these crimes have taken on the lives of victims.

Joni also offers steps to prevent sexual abuse, as well as sharing stories from other survivors.
One of the most interesting pages on the S.A.A.R.A website is the facts vs myths. Here is a few from that page, but I encourage everyone to visit the website to read them all.

Myth

-Rape is a crime of sex/passion.

Fact

-Rape is experienced by the victims as an act of violence.

-It is a life-threatening experience.

-While sexual attraction may be influential, power, control and anger are the primary motives.

-Most rapists have access to a sexual partner.

-Gratification comes from gaining power and control and discharging anger.

-This gratification is only temporary, so the rapist seeks another victim.

Myth

-Women incite men to rape them.

Fact

-Rape is the responsibility of the rapist alone.

Myth

-There is a "right way" to respond to a rape situation.

Fact

-Since rape is life-threatening and each rapist has his own pattern, the best thing a victim can do is follow her instincts and observe any cues from the rapist.

-If the victim escapes alive she has done the right thing.

Visit http://www.saaraonline.org/ for more myths and facts.

Learn more about sexual abuse, dating violence and more: Stop It Now, Just Tell, Love Our Children USA, MADE Coalition (Love is Not Abuse)

S.A.A.R.A offers help hotlines as well as steps towards healing. Join Joni Poole on Facebook.

Also on Examiner.com.