Sue Scheff: How to teach kids self-control

As usual, Kara Tamanini has a great article on kids today and learning self control. Her children's book series is excellent! I encourage people to purchase their today!

How to teach kids self-control

By Kara Tamanini

Self-control truly is a basic lesson that needs to be learned early in life. Children must understand early that they are the ones that have control over the quality of their life and they have a choice over whether they have privileges or if they have consequences for their behaviors/actions. If a child chooses to do what they are told then they receive privileges or get to do what they want and if they decide to not do what they are told, then their should be consequences for this. Parents must set limits and boundaries and then stick to the consequences of their children’s choices, whether good or bad on a consistent basis.

The basic formula to teach self-control is to give children freedom, allow them to make choices whether it is good or bad, and then deal with the consequences of their actions depending on what choices they have made. When a child has done something good and they have listened, then praise them for it. When they have not, then we dole out consequences. Parents should give privileges when they have been earned and let their children know that they are receiving privileges as a result of having made good choices, no matter what the age of your child. When a child has made poor choices, parents should empathize with what they have lost (ie.. consequences), however they should not say, “I told you so” or “I told you this would happen.” Rubbing it in will not help matters. Make statements such as, “That’s sad that you can’t go out with your friends” or “I feel for you that you don’t get an allowance this week, now you can’t buy that CD.”

The goal as parents is to not control our children, but to make them do what you want them to do. Parents need to give them the choices of what to do and make it painful for them when they make the wrong choices so they won’t want to do them again. When we balance children’s freedoms, their choices, and hand out consequences, this is how we can teach children to control themselves accordingly.

Sue Scheff: When do we complete homework with the ADHD child?

By Kara Tamanini (Author and Therapist)

Parents often tell me that completing homework with their ADHD child is often a great challenge and causes a lot of frustration. Children usually by the time they get home are tired and simply want a “break” from their work and want to play or “chill out” and watch television. However, homework still has to be done and parents usually wait until late afternoon or night to complete homework. Inevitably, children procrastinate and “fight” their parents every inch of the way in completing their homework. By the time the homework is completed, everyone including the child are usually angry and frustrated and homework took a very long time as the parent tries to cajole their child to complete the work.

As a rule, children with ADHD seem to do better on schoolwork in the mornings, more often than children without ADHD. What this means exactly is that school work and/or homework should be completed earlier in the day or even some of the homework should be completed in the morning if possible. Tasks for children that are boring, repetitive, or that take sustained attention/concentration should be done earlier if possible. By the end of the day, children are usually tired; fatigued and if parents decide to complete homework late in the day, problems are sure to ensue and the work will most likely not be completed.

Therefore, a homework schedule should be implemented that includes part or the entire school work load to be completed in the morning. Also, when homework is completed with your child, it should be done in a quiet setting with no distractions. This means that the radio, television, and the noise from video games must be turned off. Children with ADHD are easily distracted and the less distractors for them when they are trying to complete their schoolwork the better. In addition, homework should be completed on a 1:1 basis. Children with ADHD do not do well in group situations where they are able to become over-stimulated and if possible homework should be done alone, just you and your child where individualized attention can be given.

Visit www.kidsawarenessseries.com for more great quick tip articles from Kara!

Follow Kara Tamanini on Twitter at @KidTherapist

Sue Scheff: Parenting ADHD Children: Advice from Moms Like You

Source: ADDitude Magazine

Moms' advice for parenting ADHD children, creating an ADD-friendly household, and smoothing out daily rough spots with discipline and behavior.

by Arlene Schusteff

It’s the stuff attention deficit disorder (ADD ADHD) days are made of: You’re trying to get your daughter to finish her homework, but she insists on doing cartwheels across the living room. Or you’ve already had two big dustups with your son — and it’s only 9 a.m.

Sound familiar? Parents of ADHD children have a lot on their plates. And while doctors, therapists, and ADD coaches can offer helpful guidance, much of the best, most practical advice on parenting ADD children comes from those who have been there, done that.
In other words, from other ADHD parents.

For this article, ADDitude asked members of support groups across the country (both live and online) for their tried-and-true parenting skill tips for monitoring behavior problems, disciplining and smoothing out the daily rough spots. Here’s what they said.

The Morning Routine

In many families, the friction starts soon after the alarm clocks sound. It’s not easy to coax a spacey, unmotivated ADHD child out of bed and into his clothes; the strategizing required to get the entire family fed and out the door on time would test the mettle of General Patton.
Getting off to a slower start can make all the difference, say parents. “We wake our son up a half-hour early,” says Toya J., of Brooklyn, New York, mother of eight-year-old Jamal. “We give him his medication, and then let him lie in our bed for a while. If we rush him, he gets overwhelmed — and so do we. Once the meds kick in, it’s much easier to get him going.”
Some parents aren’t above a little bribery. “In our house, it’s all about rewards,” says Jenny S., of New York City, mother of Jeremy, age seven. “Every time we have a good morning, I put a marble in the jar. For every five marbles, he wins a small reward.”

Amy B., of Los Angeles, mother of Jared, age seven, is another believer in reward systems. “If the TV is on, it’s impossible to get him moving. Now the TV stays off until absolutely everything is done and he’s ready to go. He moves quickly because he wants to watch that television.”
Another way to keep your morning structured and problem-free is to divide it into a series of simple, one-step tasks. “I’m the list queen,” says Debbie G., of Phoenix, mother of Zach, 10. “I put a list on his bedroom door that tells him step-by-step what he needs to do. I break his morning routine down into simple steps, like ‘BRUSH TEETH,’ ‘MAKE BED,’ ‘GET DRESSED,’ and ‘COME DOWNSTAIRS FOR BREAKFAST.’ The key is to make it easy to follow.”

What about kids who simply cannot, or will not, do what’s asked of them? When 10-year-old Liam refuses to comply, his mom, Dina A., of New York City, shifts into “if-you-can’t-beat-’em,-join-’em” mode. “I can’t believe I’m admitting this,” she says, “but I wake him up and bring him cereal in bed. Once he’s gotten something to eat, he’s not as crabby.”

Number Two: Behavior Patterns

Read entire article here: http://www.additudemag.com/adhd/article/581-2.html

Sue Scheff: Many learning and behavior problems may begin in your shopping cart

The Feingold Program has been around for many years and has helped many families. If you have an ADD/ADHD child, take the time to see if this may be an alternative for you.

Source: Feingold Association

Did you know that the brand of ice cream, cookie, and potato chip you select could have a direct effect on the behavior, health, and ability to learn for you or your children?

Numerous studies show that certain synthetic food additives can have serious learning, behavior, and/or health effects for sensitive people.

The Feingold Program (also known as the Feingold Diet) is a test to determine if certain foods or food additives are triggering particular symptoms. It is basically the way people used to eat before "hyperactivity" and "ADHD" became household words, and before asthma and chronic ear infections became so very common.

ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) is the term currently used to describe a cluster of symptoms typical of the child (or adult) who has excessive activity or difficulty focusing. Some of the names that have been used in the past include: Minimal Brain Damage, Minimal Brain Dysfunction (MBD), Hyperkinesis, Learning Disability, H-LD (Hyperkinesis/Learning Disability), Hyperactivity, Attention Deficit Disorder, ADD With or Without Hyperactivity.
In addition to ADHD, many children and adults also exhibit one or more other problems which may include: OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder), ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder), Bi-polar Disorder, Depression, Tourette Syndrome (TS), and Developmental Delays. These people often have food or environmental allergies. Many have a history of one or more of these physical problems: ear infections, asthma, sinus problems, bedwetting, bowel disorders, headaches/migraines, stomachaches, skin disorders, sensory deficits (extreme sensitivity to noise, lights, touch), vision deficits (the left and right eyes do not work well together, sometimes nystagmus).

While all the above symptoms might be helped by the Feingold Program, generally the characteristic that responds most readily is behavior. Although the symptoms differ from one person to another, the one characteristic that seems to apply to all chemically-sensitive people is that they get upset too easily. Whether the person is 3-years-old or 33, they have a short fuse.
Dr. Feingold began his work on linking diet with behavior back in the 1960's. He soon saw that the conventional wisdom about this condition was not accurate. At that time most doctors believed that children outgrew hyperactivity, that only one child in a family would be hyperactive, and that girls were seldom affected. Parents using the Feingold Diet also saw that these beliefs were not accurate. Years later, the medical community revised their beliefs, as well.
Another change in the medical community has been the increased use of medicine to address ADHD. In the 1960's and 1970's medicine was used with restraint, generally discontinued after a few years, and never prescribed to very young children. If there was a history of tics or other neurological disorders in a family member, a child would not be give stimulant drugs. The Feingold Association does not oppose the use of medicine, but believes that practitioners should first look for the cause(s) of the problems, rather than only address the symptoms. For example, ADHD can be the result of exposure to lead or other heavy metals; in such a case, the logical treatment would be to remove the lead, arsenic, etc.

The Feingold Association believes that patients have a right to be given complete, accurate information on all of the options available in the treatment of ADHD as well as other conditions. Sometimes, the best results come from a combination of treatments. This might include using the Feingold Diet plus allergy treatments, or plus nutritional supplements, or plus a gluten-free/casein-free diet, or even Feingold + ADHD medicine. We believe that it's useful to start with the Feingold Diet since it is fairly easy to use, not expensive, and because removing certain synthetic additives is a good idea for anyone.

Used originally as a diet for allergies, improvement in behavior and attention was first noticed as a "side effect." It is a reasonable first step to take before (or with if already begun) drug treatment for any of the symptoms listed on the Symptoms page.

Read more: http://www.feingold.org/pg-overview.html

Sue Scheff: 17 Ways Parents Can Help ADHD Children Make Friends

Source: ADDitude Magazine

Children with ADHD sometimes struggle with social skills, and making friends can be tough. But parents can help! Learn how to guide your child through sticky social situations and make lasting friendships.

by Gay Edelman, Ann Loftin

Sometimes, ADHD children need help making and keeping friends. Parents can make a big difference without stepping on toes by helping an ADD child start a conversation or by "supervising from the window."

Find out other ways to become your child's ADHD friendship coach and guide his social development here.

Observe the Situation

Get to the root of the problem. ADHD children often have little sense of how they're perceived by their peers, and will commit social blunders without realizing it. Help them by discussing what went wrong, why it happened, and what your child could (not should) do differently next time. Be as sensitive with your attention deficit child as you would be with a close adult friend -- too much negative feedback can hurt your child's self-esteem.

On the flip side, when your child has a successful interaction, congratulate him.
Watch your child closely. Whenever he's playing with other kids, make sure you can see and hear what's going on. Be ready to intervene if he picks a fight, starts telling fibs, or does something dangerous in an effort to impress others.

Read entire article here: http://www.additudemag.com/adhd/article/5401.html

Sue Scheff: How to Raise Active, Not Passive Children

How to Raise Active, Not Passive Children

By Kara Tamanini

Passivity in children is often seen in a clinical setting, as it is often a symptom of an emotional problem. Some children that have depression or anxiety are very passive and they withdraw and do not cope well with their own pain. As teenagers, passive children often use drugs or alcohol to deal with their issues. How do we as parents raise children that are active participants in their own life and destiny as well as children that have strength in their convictions. Passivity is not necessarily a bad thing, however passive children are often very entitled and feel that their parents and those around them should “wait” on them and do everything for them. Passive children feel that by simply being born and being a child or teenager that they deserve to have others do everything for them. Do not fall into this trap parents! Here are the ways we can develop an active child instead of a passive child:

1.) Take an active role in your child’s life. Make your child do things for themselves. If you are a parent that has been used to do everything for your child while they do very little, they are certainly going to fight you in the beginning.

2.) Be a good role model for them. Our lives as parents are not centered around our children to the exclusion of everything else in our lives. Life is about a balance between our children, families, work, friendships, health. The parent that centers their entire existence around their children is influencing their children to think that life is about only being a parent or that you as a parent will be serving and catering to them forever. The healthiest parents are those that have relationships of their own that don’t involve their children. Take up your own interests and you as a parent will be healthier and you will have a better relationship with your child.

3.) Don’t avoid setting limits with your child. Remember, passive children just sit and let everyone do everything for them. Discuss problems with your child and do not avoid conflict with them, just because you don’t want them “to like you.” We are not our children’s friends, we are their parents. We must set limits in all areas and give them responsibilities if we are going to move them towards personal growth and autonomy.

4.) Children by their very nature will let you as a parent do everything for them. Parents tend to want to try to “fix” everything and “do things” for their children to the exclusion of having their children do very little for themselves. I have seen so many exhausted; harried parents that are running around doing everything for their children, meanwhile their children have no household chores and have no responsibilities. Wrong! If you do all of the work for your child, then it is your fault that they have not learned how to be responsible. Start by saying to your child, “I am sorry, but cleaning up your room is your responsiblity.” Or, “Sorry I am late again, what are you going to get me for dinner?” Your response of course will be, “you know when you are supposed to be home, now you have to get yourself something to eat.” Do not wait on your child, as you just reinforced their being late coming home.

Help your child take initiative to solve their own problems and be responsible in their actions and choices and you will have a child that matures and has personal strength. When parents are overly active in doing everything for their children, the child then becomes overly passive and expects everything to be done for them including someone solving their problems. The key to raising strong; healthy children is to teach them to be responsible and to be active participants in their life. Remember passive children often avoid relationships in general as they do not have enough strength of character to take the initiative in a relationship or they are fearful of doing things on their own.

Sue Scheff: Parenting ADHD Children: Advice from Moms Like You

Source: ADDitude Magazine

Moms' advice for parenting ADHD children, creating an ADD-friendly household, and smoothing out daily rough spots with discipline and behavior.

by Arlene Schusteff

It’s the stuff attention deficit disorder (ADD ADHD) days are made of: You’re trying to get your daughter to finish her homework, but she insists on doing cartwheels across the living room. Or you’ve already had two big dustups with your son — and it’s only 9 a.m.

Sound familiar? Parents of ADHD children have a lot on their plates. And while doctors, therapists, and ADD coaches can offer helpful guidance, much of the best, most practical advice on parenting ADD children comes from those who have been there, done that.
In other words, from other ADHD parents.

For this article, ADDitude asked members of support groups across the country (both live and online) for their tried-and-true parenting skill tips for monitoring behavior problems, disciplining and smoothing out the daily rough spots. Here’s what they said.

Number One: The Morning Routine

The Morning Routine

In many families, the friction starts soon after the alarm clocks sound. It’s not easy to coax a spacey, unmotivated ADHD child out of bed and into his clothes; the strategizing required to get the entire family fed and out the door on time would test the mettle of General Patton.

Getting off to a slower start can make all the difference, say parents. “We wake our son up a half-hour early,” says Toya J., of Brooklyn, New York, mother of eight-year-old Jamal. “We give him his medication, and then let him lie in our bed for a while. If we rush him, he gets overwhelmed — and so do we. Once the meds kick in, it’s much easier to get him going.”

Some parents aren’t above a little bribery. “In our house, it’s all about rewards,” says Jenny S., of New York City, mother of Jeremy, age seven. “Every time we have a good morning, I put a marble in the jar. For every five marbles, he wins a small reward.”

Amy B., of Los Angeles, mother of Jared, age seven, is another believer in reward systems. “If the TV is on, it’s impossible to get him moving. Now the TV stays off until absolutely everything is done and he’s ready to go. He moves quickly because he wants to watch that television.”
Another way to keep your morning structured and problem-free is to divide it into a series of simple, one-step tasks. “I’m the list queen,” says Debbie G., of Phoenix, mother of Zach, 10. “I put a list on his bedroom door that tells him step-by-step what he needs to do. I break his morning routine down into simple steps, like ‘BRUSH TEETH,’ ‘MAKE BED,’ ‘GET DRESSED,’ and ‘COME DOWNSTAIRS FOR BREAKFAST.’ The key is to make it easy to follow.”

What about kids who simply cannot, or will not, do what’s asked of them? When 10-year-old Liam refuses to comply, his mom, Dina A., of New York City, shifts into “if-you-can’t-beat-’em,-join-’em” mode. “I can’t believe I’m admitting this,” she says, “but I wake him up and bring him cereal in bed. Once he’s gotten something to eat, he’s not as crabby.”

Behavior Patterns

At first glance, a child’s misadventures may seem random. But spend a week or two playing detective, and you may see a pattern. Pay attention to the specific situations that lead to trouble and — even more important — to the times of day when trouble usually occurs.

“You may find that tantrums come at certain times of the day,” says Laura K., of San Francisco, mother of Jack, eight. “With my son, we found that it was right after the medication wore off. So we asked the doctor for a small booster dose to get us through. It’s worked wonders for cutting down on the bad behavior.”

Sometimes children simply fail to see the connection between how they behave and how they’re treated. In such cases, behavior charts are a godsend. The idea is to post a chart, specifying the behaviors you expect and the rewards the child will earn for toeing the line.

Renee L., of Northbrook, Illinois, mother of Justin, nine, explains: “Once children see that good behavior gets them privileges and bad behavior gets them nothing, they’re more likely to comply.” It helps to focus on only a few behaviors at a time.

Saying 'No' to Screen Time

For a weary parent, the sight of a child quietly watching TV, playing a video game, or working on a computer can seem heavenly. But too much screen time is not good — especially for kids who tend to hyperfocus.

Once these kids have entered the video or computer “zone,” it’s hard to switch their focus to something important — homework, for example.

For these kids, placing limits on screen time is a must. But how do you do this without triggering a battle?

“My husband and I decided that the only way to control our son’s screen time was to have consistent rules,” says Lisa L., of San Francisco, mother of Corey, 12. “So we started a ticket system. At the beginning of each week, we give Corey 10 tickets. Each ticket is good for an hour of screen time, whether it’s used on TV, video games, or the computer. He knows that, once all 10 tickets are gone, that’s it. It has helped him learn to budget his time.”

Like Lisa, Kate W., of Los Angeles, mother of 10-year-old Alex, requires her son to ask before he turns on the TV or picks up his Game Boy. “If he has homework to do, or if we’re getting ready to go somewhere, he knows that I’m going to say ‘no,’” she says. “When he asks, I tell him to move on to something else.”

Read entire article here: http://www.additudemag.com/adhd/article/581-4.html