Sue Scheff: How to teach kids self-control

As usual, Kara Tamanini has a great article on kids today and learning self control. Her children's book series is excellent! I encourage people to purchase their today!

How to teach kids self-control

By Kara Tamanini

Self-control truly is a basic lesson that needs to be learned early in life. Children must understand early that they are the ones that have control over the quality of their life and they have a choice over whether they have privileges or if they have consequences for their behaviors/actions. If a child chooses to do what they are told then they receive privileges or get to do what they want and if they decide to not do what they are told, then their should be consequences for this. Parents must set limits and boundaries and then stick to the consequences of their children’s choices, whether good or bad on a consistent basis.

The basic formula to teach self-control is to give children freedom, allow them to make choices whether it is good or bad, and then deal with the consequences of their actions depending on what choices they have made. When a child has done something good and they have listened, then praise them for it. When they have not, then we dole out consequences. Parents should give privileges when they have been earned and let their children know that they are receiving privileges as a result of having made good choices, no matter what the age of your child. When a child has made poor choices, parents should empathize with what they have lost (ie.. consequences), however they should not say, “I told you so” or “I told you this would happen.” Rubbing it in will not help matters. Make statements such as, “That’s sad that you can’t go out with your friends” or “I feel for you that you don’t get an allowance this week, now you can’t buy that CD.”

The goal as parents is to not control our children, but to make them do what you want them to do. Parents need to give them the choices of what to do and make it painful for them when they make the wrong choices so they won’t want to do them again. When we balance children’s freedoms, their choices, and hand out consequences, this is how we can teach children to control themselves accordingly.

Sue Scheff: When do we complete homework with the ADHD child?

By Kara Tamanini (Author and Therapist)

Parents often tell me that completing homework with their ADHD child is often a great challenge and causes a lot of frustration. Children usually by the time they get home are tired and simply want a “break” from their work and want to play or “chill out” and watch television. However, homework still has to be done and parents usually wait until late afternoon or night to complete homework. Inevitably, children procrastinate and “fight” their parents every inch of the way in completing their homework. By the time the homework is completed, everyone including the child are usually angry and frustrated and homework took a very long time as the parent tries to cajole their child to complete the work.

As a rule, children with ADHD seem to do better on schoolwork in the mornings, more often than children without ADHD. What this means exactly is that school work and/or homework should be completed earlier in the day or even some of the homework should be completed in the morning if possible. Tasks for children that are boring, repetitive, or that take sustained attention/concentration should be done earlier if possible. By the end of the day, children are usually tired; fatigued and if parents decide to complete homework late in the day, problems are sure to ensue and the work will most likely not be completed.

Therefore, a homework schedule should be implemented that includes part or the entire school work load to be completed in the morning. Also, when homework is completed with your child, it should be done in a quiet setting with no distractions. This means that the radio, television, and the noise from video games must be turned off. Children with ADHD are easily distracted and the less distractors for them when they are trying to complete their schoolwork the better. In addition, homework should be completed on a 1:1 basis. Children with ADHD do not do well in group situations where they are able to become over-stimulated and if possible homework should be done alone, just you and your child where individualized attention can be given.

Visit www.kidsawarenessseries.com for more great quick tip articles from Kara!

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Sue Scheff: How to Raise Active, Not Passive Children

How to Raise Active, Not Passive Children

By Kara Tamanini

Passivity in children is often seen in a clinical setting, as it is often a symptom of an emotional problem. Some children that have depression or anxiety are very passive and they withdraw and do not cope well with their own pain. As teenagers, passive children often use drugs or alcohol to deal with their issues. How do we as parents raise children that are active participants in their own life and destiny as well as children that have strength in their convictions. Passivity is not necessarily a bad thing, however passive children are often very entitled and feel that their parents and those around them should “wait” on them and do everything for them. Passive children feel that by simply being born and being a child or teenager that they deserve to have others do everything for them. Do not fall into this trap parents! Here are the ways we can develop an active child instead of a passive child:

1.) Take an active role in your child’s life. Make your child do things for themselves. If you are a parent that has been used to do everything for your child while they do very little, they are certainly going to fight you in the beginning.

2.) Be a good role model for them. Our lives as parents are not centered around our children to the exclusion of everything else in our lives. Life is about a balance between our children, families, work, friendships, health. The parent that centers their entire existence around their children is influencing their children to think that life is about only being a parent or that you as a parent will be serving and catering to them forever. The healthiest parents are those that have relationships of their own that don’t involve their children. Take up your own interests and you as a parent will be healthier and you will have a better relationship with your child.

3.) Don’t avoid setting limits with your child. Remember, passive children just sit and let everyone do everything for them. Discuss problems with your child and do not avoid conflict with them, just because you don’t want them “to like you.” We are not our children’s friends, we are their parents. We must set limits in all areas and give them responsibilities if we are going to move them towards personal growth and autonomy.

4.) Children by their very nature will let you as a parent do everything for them. Parents tend to want to try to “fix” everything and “do things” for their children to the exclusion of having their children do very little for themselves. I have seen so many exhausted; harried parents that are running around doing everything for their children, meanwhile their children have no household chores and have no responsibilities. Wrong! If you do all of the work for your child, then it is your fault that they have not learned how to be responsible. Start by saying to your child, “I am sorry, but cleaning up your room is your responsiblity.” Or, “Sorry I am late again, what are you going to get me for dinner?” Your response of course will be, “you know when you are supposed to be home, now you have to get yourself something to eat.” Do not wait on your child, as you just reinforced their being late coming home.

Help your child take initiative to solve their own problems and be responsible in their actions and choices and you will have a child that matures and has personal strength. When parents are overly active in doing everything for their children, the child then becomes overly passive and expects everything to be done for them including someone solving their problems. The key to raising strong; healthy children is to teach them to be responsible and to be active participants in their life. Remember passive children often avoid relationships in general as they do not have enough strength of character to take the initiative in a relationship or they are fearful of doing things on their own.