5 Myths About Talking With Your Teenager

Teens are mysterious creatures. 

They seem to move from child to young adult almost overnight.  Parents of teens frequently find themselves irritated by the things they say and the way they act.  You may be trying to make sense of the chaos of adolescence, but it can be a mistake to judge them too quickly.

Here are a few myths about teenagers and how to be sure you dispel them.

My teen doesn’t care about my feelings.  The words your teen uses might lead you to feel unloved by him, however, the truth is that he does care about you a great deal.  Children from around age 11 and up are going through many changes.  Some are physical in nature, but there are also many emotional shifts.  Your child is growing up, learning a lot and realizing that at some point he is going to have to live a life apart from you.  He is attempting to assert his independence from you and is at times unsure of how to do this appropriately.  He will attempt many things, including talking back and disregarding your feelings.  Your teen actually cares a great deal about your feelings and is looking for reassurance that it is ok for him to separate from you in some ways.  While it may not be acceptable for him to talk to you in a disrespectful way, it’s important to talk to and treat your teen like an adult as much as you can.  How do you respond to other adults when they say hurtful things to you?

My teenager is lazy. While some teens have better work ethic than others, the adjective “lazy” is not an accurate description of most teens.  When motivated, a teen can do amazing things; even a teen who plays video games for too many hours a day can be inspired to do amazing things.  The key term here is motivation.  Finding what motivates your teen is important, and may be the only way to get him to get off the couch and help around the house.  The best way to motivate a teen is to give him ownership of the project.  If you expect him to help keep the house clean, then he needs to feel that he has a vested interest in the home.  Letting him have input on where furniture goes, what carpet is picked out or what color the walls are can go further in investing your child in the home than you think.  There is nothing wrong with offering incentives for your child to complete tasks, whether monetary or relationship based.  However, nagging and hounding your teen will NOT create motivation.

My teen never listens to my advice.  Teenagers are going though many changes and are trying to find their identity outside of their parents view.  Your teen is most likely listening to you, but greatly wants to gain an independent life. He is afraid that following your advice will lead him to being dependent on you for a long time.  Parents of teens have to walk a very thin line between giving advice and telling the child what to do.  If your teen is still coming to you for advice, count yourself lucky, because that often stops at some point in the adolescent years too.  When your child tells you a story or shares an issue he is facing, do not jump in and tell him how to fix the problem.  Step back and just listen, ask questions to clarify and then validate the feelings he might be having about the situation.  Once he has finished the story, you can ask him if he wants your advice.  He may say no, in which case you thank him for telling you and let him know you are there if he wants to talk about it further.  If he says he wants your advice, give it with caution, understanding the best way for him to learn is if he helps to come up with the solution.  Because of this, aiding your child through questions can be the most helpful.  Once the advice is given, it is his hands.  He needs to be given the freedom to choose what he will do with your suggestions.

My teen does not want to spend time with me anymore.  While it is very true that as your child gets older he will spend less and less time with you, it is far from the truth that your teen does not want to spend time with you.  Most teens have more activities outside of the home as they get older and their interests change drastically, sometimes from one day to the next.  The way they talk might even change.  All these adjustments mean that you will understand him less and less each day.  It is not that he wants to spend less time with you; it is that he perceives there are fewer things he has in common with you.  Making an effort to understand the culture and how it changes from day to day can greatly improve the time you spend together because you will have more in common with him.  The truth is that he still craves the time he gets to spend with his mom or dad, but realizes often unconsciously that he needs to pull away from you too.

It is too late to build good communication habits in my teen. It is never too late to teach and model healthy communication habits.  You may feel that the habits both you and your child have are already ingrained in your mind and will never change, but that simply is not true.  It takes small but measurable changes in your behavior to effectively help your teen communicate better.  Your teen is likely looking for someone to work to understand him, even if that person never fully can.
Raising a teenager can be a maddening adventure, but it can also be touching.  To see the child that was once so little and helpless becoming an adult can be overwhelming.  Sometimes parents want to hold onto the little child they once knew.  Unfortunately, attempting to hold on by treating the young adult like you did when he was little can cause a great deal of friction between you both.  It is a difficult process to communicate with a teenager, but when done with respect and understanding it can be a less frustrating phase.

Source: GoNannies

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Wit's End! Parenting Teens When You Are Hitting a Brick Wall

After experiencing my good teen making some bad choices, I found myself surfing the Internet until I was so confused and stressed that I couldn’t make a decision. One group of specialty schools and behavior modification programs kept popping up wherever I clicked, and I figured they must be good. Then I received their beautiful glossy literature with a video that could make any parent weep.

Once the initial sticker shock wore off, the cost was reasonable in comparison with other programs, or so I thought until I enrolled my child. The hidden costs added up like a grocery bill. I was totally misled by the sales rep and made a rash decision. Mistake number one: being clueless as to whom you are speaking with when reaching out to these toll-free numbers. This is a common mistake for parents in a desperate situation. A swift sales rep is there waiting for you; meeting questions with the answers you want to hear and making promises that convince you they can help your child.

My true nightmare was just beginning.

Impressed by the fancy words and glossy brochures, I enrolled my child with the understanding that they were qualified to help. I am ashamed to say I never did a background check on these programs. I had called their parent references that they gave me (and later found out they were paid to talk to me, some actually receiving a free month’s tuition). I know many of you are thinking I must have been nuts, and you are right. In this stage of my life, I was at my wit’s end and just wanted help for my child.
Long story short, my frenzy and desperation led to my biggest mistake. I was looking for therapy and internalization through the help of professionals, but what I inadvertently ended up with was more of a teen warehousing program. This was not what they had sold me.
In retrospect, red flags went up shortly after I dropped my child off and I asked who the psychologist would be. Guess what? There was none, unless I wanted to pay extra! So who led the group therapy they raved about? There was no group therapy, there was a person, usually another student, who sat in a circle with them as they reflected. Their psychologist was available for another $100 per visit. But their sales reps had told me that there was a licensed therapist “on staff and on site.” I should have pulled my child then, but I thought I was over-reacting since I was in such a state of confusion and frenzy. The staff was very good at convincing me to “trust the program” instead of addressing my concerns.

My child wrote me letters: some good, some bad. According to the program, the good ones were considered manipulation; the bad ones were considered proof that she needed to stay longer. I couldn’t win and neither could my child.

During my child’s entire stay of almost six months, I was never allowed to speak with her. I only spoke with an employee once a week for 15 minutes (in further research, I discovered these employees had no credentials and many weren’t educated beyond High School, including the President of the organization). I later found out it usually takes up to six months to speak with your child, and in most cases up to a year to see them.

It took me months to realize that I had made a big mistake. In order to visit my child it was mandatory to attend some very bizarre seminars; I wrote my withdrawal letter immediately after the second seminar.

I brought my child home suffering from depression and nightmares from her time in a WWASPS program, and fear of being sent back had created suicidal thoughts.  My child went immediately into real counseling where, after almost two years, an excellent psychologist helped us recover from this horrible, traumatic post-WWASP experience. When my child felt confident that I wouldn’t send her back, I heard some unspeakable stories. I have also heard similar stories from many other post-WWASP aka WWASPS students and families suffering from the same post traumatic symptoms. Through this experience I have developed the opinion that fraud and misrepresentation, combined with a vulnerable parent, can lead to danger for a child. I believe in sharing my knowledge of this (very political) industry with as many families as possible.

So who am I? I am a parent that refused to be silenced. In 2001 I posted my story of what we endured. How my child was abused, how I was duped, and how they (in my opinion) continue to dupe others. WWASPS decided to sue me to have my story removed from the Internet. It went to a jury trial, and I won with truth as my defense.  My story is here and is also published in Wit’s End! Advice and Resources for Saving Your Out-of-Control Teen (Health Communications, Inc). I have continued to help families through my organization founded from our experiences, Parents’ Universal Resource Experts, Inc (P.U.R.E.)

As of March 2013, it is believed that WWASP aka WWASPS or Premier Educational Systems has affiliations with the following, click here.

If you are one of the many parents struggling with their teenagers — good kids making bad choices — you are not alone. If you are in need of teen help, residential therapy is an excellent resource.  In reality there are many more good programs than there are not so good; the key is to do your homework. I created a list of tips and questions to ask schools and programs before enrolling your child, as well as other valuable information. Be an educated parent and you will have safer and healthier teens. So ditch your denial and get proactive! Your child deserves a chance at a bright future.

Learn from my mistakes, gain from my knowledge…..
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10 Things To Include in A Teen Contract

Teens can be a challenge, but they don't have to be.

While teens may initially balk at the idea of agreeing to implement a contract with their parents, getting all of your mutual rights, responsibilities and expectations on paper can make a big difference in the way that you communicate with one another.

The effectiveness of a well-written contract is one of the many reasons why written agreements dictate so much in terms of professional behavior, a concept that can be applied directly to you and your teen.

These are 10 of the things that you should include in your own parent-teen contract, so that there are no disputes borne of misunderstanding or miscommunication.

1. Driving Privileges – Driving is a rite of passage, an undeniable sign to both your teen and yourself that she’s starting to grow up. Handing over those keys doesn’t mean that you’re giving her free reign to do as she pleases, though. Making sure that your teen understands driving her car is a privilege that can be taken away, rather than an unassailable right, can motivate her to behave accordingly. Outlining things like curfew, safe driving responsibilities and the financial responsibilities of driving can help your teen understand just how big of a step driving really is.
2. Cell Phone Use – Today’s cell phone plans are a bit more flexible than the exorbitant fee charges for any calls made during peak times a decade ago, but they can still be quite expensive. In an era that sees every teen with a cell phone, laying a strong foundation regarding the proper etiquette of cell phone use, the importance of never using a cell phone as a tool for bullying and the repercussions of texting and driving is important.
3. Staying Home Alone – Your teen will inevitably decide that she’s too old for childcare or babysitters during the period between her return from school and your arrival from work. Covering what is and is not considered acceptable behavior when she’s home alone in a section of the parent-teen contract clearly communicates these things to her.
4. Unsupervised Visits with Friends – No matter how much you’d like to be watching over your teen every moment of the day, the truth is that you just can’t. When it’s time to trust her with unsupervised outings with her friends, knowing that you’ve discussed the matter at length and covered it in your contract can help give you some peace of mind.
5. Dating – Few things strike fear in the heart of a parent like the idea of their teen dating. Unfortunately, it’s also an unavoidable fact of life as a parent. Making sure that your child knows what’s expected of her when she’s dating in terms of curfew, supervision and the likes can make the transition a bit easier for everyone involved.
6. Computer and Internet Usage – The Internet is a powerful learning and research tool for teens, but it can also be a very dangerous place for them. Making sure that your teen knows how to avoid online predators, bullies and other dangers is important, but so is limiting the amount of time she spends connected to a screen. Working out a reasonable Internet and computer usage policy can help to maintain peace in your home, as well as discourage constant connectivity.
7. Television Use – Limiting screen time is as important for teens as it is for younger children, even if it is more challenging to enforce. Encouraging active pursuits and hobbies that get your teen moving will not only impact her physical wellbeing, but also help instill good habits in terms of television use as an adult.
8. Earning and Spending – Teens have expensive taste, a fact that parents know all too well. Outlining how your teen will earn spending money, how much of her income should be set aside for expenses and different saving methods are all important parts of teaching financial responsibility.
9. Chores – Making your teen responsible for helping with the daily running of the household can give her an idea of just how much work goes into keeping up a home and the importance of contributing fairly. Covering those chores in the parenting contract can also prevent arguments later, as it serves as a black-and-white reference when disputes arise.
10. House Rules – Every household has its own rules to follow, and they should be spelled out clearly for your teen in her contract. When she knows exactly what’s expected of her and what isn’t allowed, she’ll be better able to navigate the area between them with confidence.

Working on the contract together will not only give your teens a sense of ownership over the agreement, but also the chance to make sure that their interests are protected. The most effective parent-teen contracts allow teens to have a voice in terms of their own rights and expectations. Try not to draw up a contract that gives your teen a laundry list of rules and no rights of her own. A contract that simply imposes rules and stifles your kids is one that they’re not likely to accept without rebellion, whereas one that outlines the needs of all involved parties is something they might be able to respect.

Source: Babysitting.net

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Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month: Be an Educated Parent

February is Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month.

A recent study shows that young men who frequently bully their peers are also more likely to perform acts of domestic violence as adults.

Parents, schools and our community need to know there are many resources they can reach-out to for  valuable information to offer teens about relationships.  Though teens think they may know it all, we are the adults and it is up to us to give them as much guidance as possible.

Continue to talk about the what their dating habits, relationships and how their partner is treating them.  Let them know what the warnings signs are–they need to understand that it is okay to say no and respecting themselves is a priority.

Below are examples of programs that can assist schools and communities:

• Expect Respect is a program that assists students, parents and teachers in supporting healthy relationships. The program uses groups, presentations, training and a volunteer program.
• Safe Dates is a program that helps teens recognize healthy and abusive relationships. The program seeks to prevent the onset of abuse in dating relationships.
• Fourth R: Skills for Youth Relationships is a program that promotes healthy and safe behaviors. The program aims to improve relationships with peers and dating partners.

Below are examples of programs and resources to help teens navigate bullying and teen dating abuse:

• That’s Not Cool Campaign is a national campaign raises awareness of teen dating abuse. The campaign youth are encouraged to send examples of unhealthy behavior to others via text messaging.
• Loveisrespect.org provides a safe space for young people to be feel safe and supported online and offline. Peer advocates are available to chat online.
• The National Dating Abuse Helpline offers online chatting, texting, and other resources.  If someone needs help, please provide the number to the National Dating Abuse Helpline 866‐331‐9474 (TTY: 866‐331‐8453). You may text “loveis” to 77054.

These are all excellent resources to provide you with the information you need to be a voice for change in teen dating violence and bullying prevention.

References:  StopBullying.gov

Teen Help Programs: Are you considering one?

Are you worried about your teen?

Good kids--bad choices.  Smart kids--failing in school.

We are rounding up second semester and looking at spring break.  Parents are worried as their high school student (teenager) is still failing, refusing to complete assignments and still believes that education is a farce.

On the other hand we know our child is more than capable of getting A's and B's yet they are barely bringing home D's.  College?  We are praying they finish high school.

What is wrong with society? Why are kid of the notion that they can just drop out of high school and get a GED?  Years ago GED's were frowned upon--only for those that were either adjudicated or maybe medically necessary.  Now it is too easy for these kids to just drop out.

Then we have teens that want to smoke pot on a daily basis.  You know it is legal in some states. You know their parents do it.  Really, is it that bad?  Well, as a matter of fact - it is.

Marijuana, especially when sold on the streets to our kids, is more likely to be laces with other ingredients - possibly even  heroin.   What happens then?  Do you have an addict on your hands now?  Anyway you cut this - teens shouldn't be smoking pot.  Cigarettes?  Let's face it - it is bad for your health, but it doesn't alter your personalty - and there are times when a parent has to pick and choose issues.

I don't condone cigarettes - I don't smoke them, but I wouldn't look for residential therapy for them either.

Back to drug use and failing academics.  If your teen is nearing 17 years old and you are watching them throw their life away, it may be time to consider residential therapy - an emotional growth program.  Once that offers academics, therapy and enrichment programs.

I don't believe in anything punitive, primitive or harsh - this is about building a child back up again to make better choices.  Giving them that inspiration to reach into adulthood with a  passion.  Yes, there are great programs that can instill this into teens.

For more information contact www.helpyourteens.com.

Teen Dating: Healthy Dating Habits

Teen dating is part of our kids growing up.


Now this part of life is compounded with the use of the digital world.


Skout, a mobile flirting application that uses GPS technology has been linked to three instances of sexual assault in recent weeks. In response, the under-18 portion of the community has been shut down as its organizers work to develop better safeguards.

The mobile dating site, which was originally created for adults, uses GPS technology that allows users to see nearby singles. In a safety precaution, the app does not reveal street addresses.
However, if you were at your neighborhood grocery store, you would be able to check your phone to see if another single was in the area, check the profile and then send an IM or text if you were interested in meeting that person.

In the teen version of Skout, the app pinpointed other users’ locations within a half-mile radius, and though it was supposed to be a safeguard, it proved to be the perfect tool for predators to scout their victims. In all three instances, adults took advantage of underage teens; but GPS is also a tool that can be used in teenaged dating abuse.

A technologically savvy teen can use GPS to monitor a dating partner, either through cell phones or other devices. Often, GPS isn’t needed to monitor a teenager’s location.

With the ability to update a Facebook status, Tweet or even “Check-in” via Facebook, teenagers are revealing their locations all the time.

In the past, teen dating abuse was more easily identified. Ten years ago, when landlines were the norm and phone bills had limited minutes, abusive behavior like excessive phone calls would have been easy to identify. Today, teens can put their cell phones on silent and receive unlimited texts, masking abusive behavior from parents.

“I call it an electronic leash,” said psychotherapist Dr. Jill Murray in an interview with ABC News. “I’ve had girls come into my office with cell phone bills showing 9,000 text messages and calls in a month. This is all hours of the day and night. And it’s threatening.’Hi. How are you? Where are you? Who are you with? Who are you talking to?’” Considering a teen’s constant attachment to his or her cell phone, the potential control for the abuser is virtually unlimited.

In addition to the private world of text messaging, the world of social media offers abusive teens a public platform to humiliate and degrade their partners.

Teens can use Facebook or Twitter to insult their partners or reveal embarrassing, false or intimate information about the victim. Abusive partners can even use this potential public humiliation as a form of blackmail.

You might be surprised to learn just how common it is for teens to develop an abusive relationship. The National Center for Victims of Crime cites that over 40 percent of both genders report having been involved in some form of dating violence at least once during high school.

If you recognize that your teen is in an abusive relationship, your first reaction may be to begin limiting freedoms such as Internet and cell phone use, but often teens in an abusive relationship don’t confide in their parents for fear of such restrictions.

Remember, the victim in an abusive relationship is often made to feel as though he or she has done something wrong. A reaction that could be seen as a “punishment” could only increase feelings of low self-esteem and could further alienate your teen from you and other positive support groups – while the abuser will see the opportunity to slip into the position of the ally.

Instead of revoking mobile access, you could recommend this app for your teen. It was made for college students, as a peer-based support system to help escape social situations, but it can easily apply to the teen dating world. In this app, GPS is used to empower the victim, proving that technology can be a helpful tool in avoiding abuse.

The app is called “Circle of 6” and it allows users to easily contact 6 people with discreet SOS messages:

“Come and get me. I need help getting home safely. My GPS coordinates are…” and “Call and pretend you need me. I need an interruption.”

If you notice that your teen’s partner is becoming too controlling, a good strategy is to engage in a project or take more trips together. You can also offer to facilitate outings for your teen and his or her friends. You can also go on trips and invite your teen and his or her significant other. The goal is to offer your teen examples of healthy, positive relationships that will contrast the negative emotions spurred by the abusive one.

Contributor: Amelia Wood is a blogger and freelance writer who often writes to explain medical billing and coding online. She welcomes your questions and comments at amelia1612@gmail.com.

Parenting Tips for Smartphones and Kids

How many kids and teens received smartphones over the holiday season?

Chances are you know someone who got a cool new smartphone or tablet over the holidays, most likely a teen or tween! But most of us don’t have time to go through the entire instruction booklet to figure out the device. 

Below are seven easy steps you can use for any device to make their smartphone smarter.

AT&T Smartphone/Tablet Tips: 

1) Email set-up, 2) Network check, 3) Wi-Fi settings, 4) Maximize battery, 5) Settings & notifications, 6) AT&T apps & services, and 7) Accessories.

Let’s take them one at a time.

Email Set-Up. Pull vs. push. Pull email allows for a scheduled time the device will go out and find new emails instead of emails being constantly pushed to your device.  Setting emails to the “pull setting” will help with overall battery life. 

Network Check. Make sure you know which network you are using. For example, AT&T’s 4G LTE network lets you surf the Internet and talk at the same time- great for multi-tasking – or you might be able to switch to Wi-Fi.

Wi-Fi Settings. Most devices are Wi-Fi enabled and by using this network setting you can improve battery performance.  AT&T operates the nation’s largest 4G network and provides access to nearly 225,000 hotspots globally through roaming agreements. Most AT&T smartphone customers get access to its  national Wi-Fi network at no additional cost, and Wi-Fi usage doesn’t count against customers’ monthly wireless data plans.

Maximize your battery. For most devices, you can adjust the screen brightness, manually place the phone into sleep mode and turn on the battery saver—which all leads to better battery and phone performance.

Settings & Notifications. By limiting or turning off all applications that have alerts you will help improve device functionally and performance.

Apps and Services: Check out your carrier’s apps and services. For example, AT&T has Rollover Minutes letting you rollover unused minutes from month to month for a year. AT&T also has Family Map which helps parents keep track of where their child’s cell phone is via their smartphone or PC, or wireless phone insurance which can save you some big bucks if you leave your shiny new device in a cab.

Accessories. Take the time to check out which accessories come with your device. The right Bluetooth, car charger or screen protector can be worth it.

Operating system.   Stay current with any upgrades to the operating system for your smartphone or tablet. Pay attention to software updates that pop on the screen of your device or PC when you synch the device. For example by downloading Zune software, you’ll be kept up to date on the latest phone offerings.

Source: AT&T

Entitlement: Tips How Not to Spoil Your Kids

Entitlement issues--many teens seem to have this problem today.  It starts from infancy.

When your child is an infant, you may be warned that you can “spoil” her by holding and cuddling her too much. While experts like attachment parenting guru Dr. Sears insist that there’s no such thing as a spoiled infant, it is true that children can develop a sense of entitlement or a lack of gratitude as they get older. For many parents, avoiding the label of “spoiled,” which is often applied to children who exhibit signs of being self-absorbed, having an attitude of entitlement, or are patently ungrateful for the things they have is an important part of their approach to parenting.

Think Before You Buy
When your toddler is on the verge of a tantrum because he wants a new toy or an older child is pleading for candy at the checkout line, think twice before making those purchases. Sending your toddler the message that screaming and crying is an effective way to get what she wants will only reinforce that behavior, making it more difficult to correct as time passes. Letting older children know that they can purchase the candy themselves with their own money, take on extra chores to pay you back for the difference, or find a way to earn money for the candy on their own may leave them frustrated, but it will also help them to understand that material goods must be purchased with money that’s been honestly earned, rather than simply expecting them to be bestowed upon request.
Make a Point of Delaying Gratification
Even though a child may act like the world will end if he doesn’t get the new video game that all of his friends are playing the day it’s released, you can assure him that it won’t. Letting him know that he can, and will have to, wait until his birthday or a gift-giving holiday has arrived, or until such time as he’s earned the money to make that purchase himself, can help to prevent the sense of entitlement that kids can acquire when all of their demands are instantly met.
Don’t Concede to Demands for Immediate Attention
When a newborn cries, it’s because she’s in need of food, a diaper change or attention. Small babies should get the attention that they need immediately, but that doesn’t hold true as kids get older. Dropping everything to attend to your child’s demands for attention, such as putting a telephone call on hold or abandoning what you’re doing as a concession to your child can send the message that everything should be put on hold when he deems it so, an attitude that won’t get him far as an adult. Talking about the importance of waiting patiently for his turn to speak or being respectful of other people’s feelings and boundaries can help to reinforce this concept.
Talk About Sharing and Charitable Giving
Teaching kids to share typically starts during toddlerhood; earlier for children in center-based daycare or other group settings. The concept of sharing may be fairly well ingrained in your child, but it does no good if he refuses to practice it. Working on the importance of sharing, along with helping the less fortunate and charitable giving, can help to instill a sense of gratitude that’s missing in most “spoiled” children.
Set Limits, and Don’t Give In
Once you’ve set limits regarding acceptable behavior, gift-giving practices or completing tasks set before your children, it’s important that you adhere to those limits and refuse to give in. Sending the message that unpleasant tasks can be avoided by pleading, cajoling or throwing an outright tantrum does not help your children learn the skills they’ll need to be functioning members of the adult society, and will not help to curb a sense of entitlement or ingratitude in the slightest.
Give Kids Chores and Responsibilities
Instituting a policy of chore completion in exchange for a weekly allowance or simply giving children household tasks to complete as an exercise in responsibility are great ways to help your children understand not only how much work goes into maintaining their living space, but also that money and material goods must be earned through hard work and effort, rather than expected simply because they feel that they deserve them. Withholding rewards or allowances in exchange for failure to complete those tasks can also be an effective lesson about earning money and being responsible.
Overly permissive parenting styles can make it difficult for children to understand the importance of hard work, the disappointment of failure and the difficulty of managing their own problems.
As childhood turns into the teenage years and teenagers become young adults, their lack of real-life coping and management skills can be quite apparent. While it may seem a bit harsh to some parents to insist that kids earn the things they want and share them with others, it can make for stronger, more independent adults.

Source: Babysitting Jobs

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